An almost forgotten happiness

Song- The Piano Theme By Michael Nyman – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dPS-EHl-FE&feature=related

The touch of someone who is in love with you, I have almost forgotten how safe that makes me feel. Being in a mans arms; as he tells you he loves you. The feeling of someone being part of you and you part of them -I am starting to forget that feeling of pure happiness. 

I would give anything to feel that one more time. Or to be even be held by someone who is in love with me for an hour. To make love to someone who doesn’t want to be away from you. Passion, Love and Lust. Just even a small thing like feeling wanted by a boy- it changes your life. Someone did actually love me once, so why am I so scared to let that happen again?

There is still a part of me that holds faith that my soul mate is out there. He wants to know me more then anything, he can see past my lame attempts to be this self assured women strong women. He see me, he see how weak I am, and how I have spent years being a great actress. He wants to take care of me. I want him to tell me that he will never leave me and mean it. I want to feel loved.

Everyone always leaves… I want him to stay even when I make it hard.

But I need him to be stronger then me, because after 30 years of putting everyone else back together and healing them I need him to do that for me. I need him to tell me the truth.

Here on this online diary, I share a side of me that no one sees. Not even my parents or my friends see this person who writes in here.

I cry to myself in here, and I moan to myself here… because I don’t do it in life. I smile, I joke and I laugh. I am dramatic, but fun. I am the life and soul of the party. I am popular, wealthy, funny, witty, smart, educated and apart from being a little chubby, perhaps not amazing pretty – but with makeup I am alright – I think I am charming, kind and generous, I am a great listner. I have all of these things to offer. 

I want romance.. I want to be swept away, I want people to be jealous of me like I have been of them.

I want to be happy again.  

I will be happy again.