40

2am is near.

I think about my best friend from high school – Jess I have written about her.

I think of her almost every day.  26 so full of life so amazing…. I miss her so much… she said this to me a few times, but I actually remember the first time.

We would of be 16 – sitting in a class- I don’t know what it was about, and the teacher was saying that at the moment 1 out of 5 people die of cancer.  ( this was the 90’s – I think its more like 1 out of 3 people die now) but I remember so clearly she turned to me and said ya know I won’t make it to 27.  I told her don’t be silly – she no no,, I swear I don’t think I will I think I will be one of those people.  I remember this because talking about the ’27 club’ she was obsessed Kurt Cobain – and she talked about he was 27 and then listed off the other member of that time..   and said I don’t think I will be 27.

Anyways the point of I am writing this is that I think about that moment, I thought about it when she told me she had cancer, and I thought about as I watched her amazing light fade in less than 10 weeks…..

Do you think you tell the universe or do you think on some level some people know that they are only here for a short time,

For example – I don’t think I will make it past 40- for years and years, I thought this. Its like I can’t see my life past that number.

Could this be the reason why I can’t move past the death of my friend 10 years ago, Why I can’t fix me?  Why I can’t find someone … because I know there is no point.