you’re perfect, yes, it’s true.

[Listening To: faith no more]

Kate, your entry made me think a lot about things.

Taking risks is something I hardly ever do. Ever. And then, on the weekend I did just that. On Saturday night I let things get out of hand, because even though I knew what would happen, I hoped and prayed that this time would be different. That someone would look past the friend. It was stupid of me, i know. because no-one’s ever been able to see past that before. Maybe I should just become a shit friend.
And then on Sunday, I thought things would get sorted out more. I took a risk in asking about the situation. And it just made me angry. I thought, "how dare you play with someone’s feelings like that? You knew. You knew how i felt about you, yet you let sexual frustrations get in the way and mess with my heart." I think, perhaps, we all need to think about the way we interact. For instance, no. It’s not OK to play with someone’s feelings when you know you don’t have feelings for them. And in the end things did get sorted out, but obviously not how I would have liked.
And so last night I lay there next to him after these chats that seem to be becoming so frequent, and I hated myself. I was hating me for the fact that we have this beautiful friendship, the likes of which I’ve never had with anyone before, and yet I still can’t push my feelings aside.
And then there’s the fact that I feel doubly shit because em keeps blaming herself.
note to Emily: it’s not. your. fault. at all. it never has been nor will it ever be. And I think you should bite the bullet and fucking well talk with him on Saturday.

But then there are good risks.
like on Sunday, when I allowed myself to finally talk things through with Jason. We chatted about the fights we’d had. As in, just him and I, and how we were pretty stupid. We both apologised, and now I have a friend back. A friend who’s always been a lot nicer to me than a lot of my other male friends, even after our fight. And even though i worried at first what you all would think. That I’m taking sides or whatever, but to be honest, I just don’t fucking care anymore. I don’t need to have an opinion on the rift to be friends with you all.
Another good risk was the conversation I had with my parents about how everything around the house was affecting me. it had the opportunity to blow right up into a huge scale argument, but ended up being entirely beneficial. both to my piece of mind, and also to the relationships they have with one another.

In light of this all, I’m planning two more choices.

the first, is the beginning of my new chapter. I’m cleansing myself of all my bad habits, like not going to school, not going to work, lying, and being too afraid to speak my mind or take risks. We’re making a soundtrack. I’m going to get my license so i don’t have to rely on anyone else anymore. I’m going to get a new job. one that I enjoy, working with people whose company I enjoy. one that doesn’t make me feel like shit or have me abused. And I’m going to stop looking for love. because honestly, i don’t need a man right now to fuck this up. I’m feeling beautiful and that’s the way I want it to stay. And I’m going to stop bottling my feelings up until they explode. last week i hit bottom, with the crying and the mid-day drinking and skipping school and the regrettable self harm and the screaming and trying to make a friendship work where there wasn’t a friendship at all, and the relying on others far too much.

And the second choice I’m making is to get back those friends whose friendship i miss. Starting with you, Blake. We used to talk heaps, but now you’ve been a complete cunt to me for ages. seriously. i think perhaps it was what you percieved my relationship to be like with John, but to be honest, none of you knew at all, because we really had a front. Just letting you know, yes, i care what you think. And your opinions on things meant a lot and helped me make a lot of hard decisions. But I want to be friends again.

So I’m here to put it out there: LOVE FEST SHALL BE THE BEGINNING OF MY NEW ERA. By then I’ll have sorted this shit out, cleaned out my life (and my room) and started over. And this time, I’m not just going to say it but make an effort to believe it and do it.

I WILL BE HAPPY.

peace and love to you all.
xx LC