Really swamped, but I had to write about this

In my class, Understanding the International Experience, my instructor, Prof. Brown, went into great detail about what we should do and what to expect regarding Ethnographic Interviews with cultural informants from other coutnries.

One particular example she explained was regarding a cultural informant who was a survivor of a war zone and had PTSD who ended up becoming abusive to his partner as a result from being triggered after talking about his past. She told us if anyone’s safety, one of us, or someone close to the Informant, was in any kind of danger like that to let her know right away and stop the interviewing process.

Prof. Brown is a very compassionate woman, but when she talked about feeling badly over she and her student “contributing” to the Informant’s flashbacks, I felt compelled to give my two cents. I raised my hand, but hesitated as she was still in the middle of her lecture. I could tell she didn’t judge the man and felt really guilty for what had happened. Due to my fear of what happened at UofO, I withdrew my hand in fear (for those unfamiliar, I shared my own experiences about my PTSD in my creative writing courses because we were assigned a “line of inquiry” project where we were supposed to focus on what fueled our writing–mine was PTSD. Well, that back-fired later and I was discriminated against–profiled as a potential school shooter and nearly expelled–mostly over my research and writing).

Anyway, she saw my hand and called on me and I thought, “What the hell?” I said, “Neither you nor your student contributed. Anything could have triggered him.”

“Thank you,” she said. That specific bullet-point of her lecture was pretty much wrapped up and she moved on.

This morning, I got an email from her reading, “…just wanted to pass along a quick thanks for your comments regarding ptsd. Very helpful for me and the class to hear. Very happy to have you back in class! Take care,…”

She had actually sent it last night, but it was such a pleasant surprise to start my day.

I know she doesn’t know how helpful this email is for me. I have been terrified of participating in class and talking to instructors when I need help and while I had forced myself to confront that fear on rare occasions, it always stirred a pretty distracting panic attack. This makes me feel a bit better.

Of course, I sent her a reply. “Anytime,” I wrote, “Something as simple as a smell can be a trigger…I have a lot of experience in that territory and that is partly why I want to work with refugees. I know what to look for and can handle it. I’m glad I was helpful and I’m elated to be back. [I didn’t write my reply verbatim, but it’s a good paraphrase].

Every day has been wake up, do homework (get less chores done than I really need to do and take care of my injured dog. I’m exhausted and stretched thin, but still motivated. Prof Brown’s email really helps in that regard to.

This weekend, I will be one of the volunteers for the Re-Entry (“Reverse Culture Shock”) Conference for Pakistani Fulbright Masters and Doctoral students at the University Place hotel. I’m one of the dinner group leaders tomorrow night. We’ll be going to someone’s home (who is hosting a dinner) and having dinner there. The groups are supposed to be mixed with men and women, but I got all men for some reason. That’s okay with me; I just hope I don’t say anything stupid.

Our dinner host is a well-to-do Indian immigrant couple with a sixteen-year-old son. They are highly active in the community and contribute a lot to education in the Portland area as well as programs like Mercy Corps.

Between studying for exams, doing assignments and getting ready for tomorrow, I have to go over the material sent to me about Pakistan and the conference today. So, I should probably log off now.

Thank you for all of the comments. I will reply to them, individually, as I get the chance. It’s just hard to find time being that my days are busy from the wee hours of the morning until late at night.