For What It’s Worth

For What It’s Worth

Windows to the soul they say. Love at first sight, for some a knowing, some a disheartened mockery, others a query. For me, my every childhood hope and dream, my one and only hope for what they refer to as redemption, I bet it all on a glance that forged a life. The kindest eyes I’d ever seen, in a sea of predatory stares, casting snares to feast on my youthful innocence without a passing care. Beautiful then, as you are to this day, scars and armor you’ve acquired through our years, only increase the value and longing for what lies behind the now vacant shade of forest green. 

My favorite place, my loneliest place, my only place, was destined to be you. I know the same is true for you, even though you’ve decided to disappear into the tangible realm of obligation, the ticking of the clock your guided motivation. You made their false reality your mode of escape from where and who you are. You’re scared. Most are. Your heart in chains within a cage, under the guise of protection. I’m helpless to free you from the prison you refuse to acknowledge. Every attempt to break a chain, greets me with a crippling blow.

Our boys are equal parts you and me. I love and accept both. I wonder if you recognize their defiance as different entities the way I do? One being an insecure denial, and the other a well defined line in the sand. Witnessing them grow in this existence full of deception, filth, lies, and waning humanity, only wells my soul with gratitude for the beauty they manage to salvage and cultivate within themselves. Why is it you think I could look at you any differently? I see you, even if your almighty clock doesn’t grant you the time to spare a second glance.

You could change it all in an hour. Your fear is my greatest pain. Once it was our daughter, but I let it go when she passed away. We conceived her together, we greeted her entry into this world together, here in our bed you retrieved her from my womb, for years we fell apart together as she slowly drifted away, and when she parted, you opened the box of her ashes alone, keeping me at bay. I never imagined you felt so far from me, that you would deny the moment for us to say goodbye, together. When I walked in our room and saw the wooden box that held her remains on my dresser, knowing you ran inside to keep me away from your heart while you let go of part of yours, I felt her die all over again, along with hope for us. 

I’ll have courage for all of us, as you all find your way. The hard truths I’ve choked down, I pray light the way. Whether or not I’m here when you finally open that door, I hope you feel me in your soul, as I will never leave you alone in the cold. I forgave us all years ago, as I painfully mapped out all the constructed well placed wires, designed to trip us into keeping us from our heart’s desires. My childhood friend, my lifelong mate, I see you now, as I I saw you then, my heart forever pounding at your gates.