The Heaviest Bones

Friday, September 15th, 2023 1:17am

I feel lied to. I feel resentful of the adults of my childhood who gave me little to no guidance resulting in unnecessary hardships and irrecoverable damages made to my life. I’m hard-headed, but I still feel cheated. I resent my mother for loving me, and for not aborting me, even though she wasn’t prepared for my birth. She’s also had a hard life. She also had little to no guidance. She’s so sad sometimes and I can see it. She fights it though. Why is this allowed to happen? I hate having to work harder than everyone else just to have a portion of their comfort. How do things come so easily for most people?

Closure is a lie we tell ourselves so we can feel less guilty about asking questions to which there will never be real answers.

I don’t have real relationships with people. Nobody really knows me. My sisters are all crazy and fucked up. My brother is a whore who gets away with it. My extended “family” is disgusted by my very existence and I can’t stop cleaning everything. I have no real talent so I rely exclusively on my intellect to arrive at any destination. I have no charisma. I have no charm. I like being alone but I don’t know how. Everything just looks and feels so dirty. My hands are overwhelmingly dry from the chemicals.

I feel like I’m trapped in a box that gets smaller every year. My bones are being crushed. Nothing is real. Everything hurts. Nothing matters. Everything matters.

I wish I had a week to live my life without any consequences. I wish I could live my life without looking up, enviously at the bright stars who never have to come down, even when they expire.

I have suffered all my life, and yet I still romanticize the bad times, simply because I was unaware that they were bad. I loathe responsibility. I loathe my inability to function normally in society like most people. I’m always wondering what device I could create to climb out of the hole but where do I find the resources?