Wow – old diary

Wow, I’m sure glad I saved my old diary.  I wrote over 100k words over about a six year period and THIS is all that was saved on here?? These age rants.  Those were things I had pasted in from the 90s from some old diaries I had in my forties.  I can’t even fathom feeling like that in my forties.  What a waste.  Forty seems so young to me now LOL  Oh well, I seem pretty young to myself now actually… younger than I did then! Certainly more carefree and I actually like the way I look better (although I am a lot thinner).

Either way, it doesn’t matter.  I have all those words saved in my computer AND printed out in a big bin down in my storage room so that my kids can be appalled by them after I’m gone 😉

Now what can I write that will appall them?  Well, probably nothing.  I’ve pretty much appalled them by speaking my mind right out about most everything (not that my mind runs all that bad – I just hate when people are ashamed of things that don’t deserve shame – especially when that person is me).  All my life I wrestled with unwarranted (and some warranted) shame.  I wouldn’t wish that on an enemy let alone a stranger or a friend.  Shame is horrible, like a slimy disease.  No one should have to carry it.  That’s why I blurt out stuff, because the blurting cracks the plaster-y hold that shame has on people – that it puts in the air and the barriers it sets up between us.  If we just admit our flaws and brokenness then others can admit theirs and we can all just accept each other.

Sure, I know that some people just can’t do that, but they’re likely the ones that need acceptance the most.  If someone is still stiff and inflexible and acts as if they are perfect, just smile and play along with their fantasy.  They need it.  As soon as they stop needing it… when they feel just a little vulnerable, who do you think they’ll come to exposing that tiny bit of vulnerability – the person that offered respect when others were trying to knock them off their horse.

So… it doesn’t hurt to appall my children after all.  As a matter of fact, they sort of like it.  They know they can come to me with anything and I won’t judge them.  Part of that is because they are good people so they wouldn’t be bringing me something horrible that would cause me to WANT to judge them (for the most part at least — you never know for sure) but part is also that I do love them and will love them and will accept them, even if sometimes it hurts.