What a week… What a man!

It has been quite a week (as you all know) and yesterday was my day off
at the law office but I opened at Starbucks. I was supposed to get off
at 9:30 am but one of the worker’s called in. He was taken to the
hospital with diverticulosis or something like that and was probably
going to have surgery so they asked me to stay until 1pm which I gladly
did. After that I had to run to the bank for my daughter, then I got my
nails done (they get disgusting when you work at Starbucks and,
technically, you’re not even supposed to wear nail polish but I’m just
wearing what they call American nails so it looks natural). After that
I had handbell choir rehearsal then choir rehearsal. By the time I got
home I was exhausted. I opened again this morning then went to work at
the law office and worked there until about 4pm.

I got my second
Starbucks check today so after I finally got out of work this afternoon
I did a little shopping which felt great! I got two pairs of shoes,
some earrings, and a pair of gray Capri pants.. they’re sort of fancy,
like good enough for church even and a sweatshirt for my son. It was so
pleasant just wandering the mall by myself with no stress or anything.
I even bought a hot pretzel and just walked around munching on it. What
a joy that was! I tried on scads of clothes. I went into any shop I
wanted to go into and I spent as long as I wished with no one else to
worry about. All in all I only spent about 2 hours, but it felt like an
entire evening LOL!

It was good to stay so busy this week so
that I could avoid thinking about anything and drowning in my own
depression. I stayed very manic. Working at Starbucks often had that
effect on me in the past. I was always good about being very upbeat and
cheerful with the customers and that just set the tone for the whole
day. Whatever you pretend to be on the outside your inside often comes
up to match, that is so for me as well, so I slid through the week
feeling rather cheerful but also knowing that if I slowed down, my
problems would come collide with me, so I kept running and running. Now
I just have to KEEP running at least until therapy on Wednesday. What
happens then? I don’t know.

What if it’s just as bad as last
week? I have no idea. I guess I’ll be in big big trouble. What will I
do? I don’t know. Tell him I guess. What CAN I do? I just can’t feel as
desolate as I did last time I came out of there. I can’t go through
that again. But I don’t know that I can sustain the kind of pace I’ve
put myself through this week. Opening at Starbucks and doing my 20+
hours there is not going to be a problem if I keep a reasonable
schedule at the law office, but working there until 5pm and not taking
my regularly scheduled days off is not going to work for a prolonged
period of time I don’t think. There were moments this week when I felt
very dizzy and disoriented and I KNOW there’s an undercurrent of
emotional turmoil happening beneath the surface that I’m consciously
avoiding accessing because well… I guess it’s like an oil well and I
don’t want it spurting inconveniently all over the place. Oh man, I
sure hope therapy is better this week. I dread it… I started dreading
even the thought of it yesterday, but I feel stuck. If I don’t go I’ll
be stuck in this hellish limbo of having to stay busy 24/7 forever. But
if I do go, what if it gets worse? Well, I guess it can’t really get
worse. The only way it could get worse would be if I got so miserable I
actually did cut or something, but I realized at Starbucks that if
you’re a person who is into self-harm, you don’t need to bother. You
get harmed enough on the job LOL You burn yourself on a daily basis
over there, you cut yourself up inadvertently, plus I got clocked right
on the nose by the cover to the ice bin and it hurt like a sonovabi*ch
– I have aches and bruises and burns and cuts all over and none of it
was intentional. I just chuckled to myself and thought I should let all
my cutting and self-injuring friends know they should just get a job at
Starbucks and that should take care of all of their urges for pain
without them having the additional burden of guilt and shame of
inflicting in purposely upon themselves!

Well, this is all crazy
stuff, with an edge of humor of course. I’m only disgusted with where
I’m at right now because it has really strangled my creativity and I
haven’t managed to write much more on my book… the working title, by
the way, is More Than The Sun. I want to stop calling it the “Muffet
Diary,” that sounds so stupid. My writing was so prolific prior to that
bad therapy session. I haven’t written but a couple thousand words
since then and they haven’t been nearly as inspired as what came
before. The muse has been choked.

On another subject…. My
husband has updated his diary so if you get a chance, go on over to
Number6 and check it out. He was so wonderful this morning. He came
into Starbucks just to say, “Hi.” We were devilishly busy at the time
he stopped by, but he just bought a paper and called my name out. It
was so heart warming to see his handsome face. I quickly introduced him
to my co-workers. Then, when I left work to go in to the law office, I
slid into the car and found a wonderful love note on the steering wheel
wishing me a wonderful day. Oh, how I loved him when I saw that… so
considerate and delightful. I felt loved and cared for, as if I have
just the right man for me! I don’t always feel that way – not because I
don’t think he’s right, just because I’m moody and emotional. I’m not
easy to please and my attitude can be up and down. It’s moments like
this morning when I found the little note that I feel as if he is
EXACTLY what I need and what I’ve always needed in a soul mate and
lover. Intimacy is something of the heart and the body only follows
behind that. People get that concept confused and I felt so intimately
entwined with him when I picked up that note this morning. What a
wonderful man!