Truth or Consequences

Therapy again today. I told him I was going to take a break until
August when my Starbucks insurance kicks in but I ended up making
another appointment for two weeks from now with the agreement that I
may cancel. Sometimes I think therapy makes me crazier but sometimes I
think I’m out of my mind and I’d be really nuts if I didn’t have it.
I
just don’t know. I feel so unstable. Maybe I need to adjust my meds
(well, not me personally, but the psychiatrist). Maybe I just need a
spiritual adjustment. I feel as if I am having a spiritual crisis as
well as an emotional/mental crisis. If I were feeling more grounded
spiritually, I don’t think I would be so ungrounded emotionally. But
I’m not sure which toppled first… did my emotional state topple me
spiritually or did my spiritual state cause me to topple emotionally? I
tend to think maybe the second. On the other hand, it could be the
first. Oh, who knows? All I know is I’m on shaky ground in both areas
but I don’t think I’m going to get back on steady ground with one until
I get on steady ground with the other.

Not much else to say
here. Thank God for Starbucks in many ways. It’s still really fun and
has been keeping me blessedly busy and tired plus the insurance will be
wonderful once I get it.

My husband has been very tender and
caring lately. He sometimes comes by Starbucks in the morning and
leaves notes for me on the steering wheel of my car. I know that he
knows I love this but I don’t think he realizes exactly HOW much this
means to me, especially right now when I’m feeling so raw and fragile
emotionally. At the same time, my brother has been calling me in the
mornings from outside of Washington D.C. where he lives/works. He gets
up and goes to his Starbucks on his way to work and leaves me nice
phone messages while he’s driving there. I get these when I finish my
Starbucks shift and am on my way to the law office. These, too, mean so
much to me, again, while I’m in this sort of damaged-feeling state.

Why do I feel so wrecked?

I
don’t know, but it has something to do with my father. It also has
something to do with my relationship with my therapist contrasted with
my relationship with my father. I believe it may also have something to
do with things that I perceive my father and/or my therapist has
not/can not/will not supply in our relationship and that’s putting me
into a sort of immature, self-seeking, not-very-emotionally-attractive
state of mind.

It’s ugly.

It’s also painful.

That’s
why I’m thinking maybe a break wouldn’t be such a bad thing even though
a part of me is having a fit and saying, “No Way!” Another part of me
is thinking that it might be a good idea.

We’ll see.