Stretching the boundaries…

I’m so pissed OFF… I just made a rather long entry then hit something weird and the window closed on me… d*mn d*mn d*mm!!! I couldn’t figure out any way to get it back so now I have to start all over again. I hate that. I do best when I’m just pouring out mind-barf. (A disgusting phrase, but I made it up a long time ago to describe the type of writing and/or speaking I do when I’m caught up with something.

Anyway, the first stuff I wrote about was reading this other woman’s diary. I had been moved by how much she loves her husband and how hard she’s working on her marriage. He had developed an online relationship with someone, but it had gone much much further than anything my husband or I had ever done. He really wanted to meet her at one point. Apparently he had expressed some doubt about the validity of his love for his wife… the usual drivel that I’ve heard people pouring out when they get caught up with a web fantasy partner. The thing is, what people don’t seem to realize is that the internet is like the best cosmetic ever created. It allows us to project so much on another person and it allows us the freedom of expression that anonymity offers. It strips off that facade we present to the world and we can form very intimate bonds with people we might otherwise have not gotten to know.

If you bring that same relationship into the harsh light of reality, however, you’re pretty much doomed to suffer a big slap in the face. Reality is tough and can only be faced with someone whom you accept with all their flaws and beauty. At the same time, they pretty much need to accept yours. If that’s not done, true marital intimacy is just out of reach.

Many net relationships that I’ve seen develop among single people have been healthy and worked their way into something special in the “real” world. The relationships I’ve seen that hacked into the very substance of an already formed couple have often disintegrated when the two people involved they were just doing a frying pan to fire jump. If your marriage is savable, you’ve already put so much work into it that no other coupling could even approach the intimacy you have right in your own “backyard.”

I’m getting smart now… I saved that before continuing.

Ultimately, my earlier entry ended up delving into the boundaries of a sexually normal and God-approved relationship. I had been leafing through a local small newspaper and came to the personal ads. There was a section in there of women hawking phone sex for money. I got to wondering what it would be like to listen to my husband have phone sex with another woman and I felt that familiar stab of lust crack like lightning down to my toes. Part of me is going, “You’re treading on dangerous ground,” the other part is going, “Yeah, go for it… that’s not TRUE adultery.”

The thing is, it doesn’t exactly thing like a good Christian relationship builder either. I mean, wouldn’t that fall under the heading of impure thoughts?

It may seem very weird that I freaked out over my husband’s very short online daliance with a young lady earlier in this diary, whereas I get completely heated over the thought of sharing him… but therein lies the difference. I would be sharing him which implies possession. I know that’s a completely politically incorrect way to perceive a relationship, but you sort of feel a certain ownership of your partner’s sex life… at least I feel that, even if it’s incorrect. But I also feel he has a certain ownership of my sexuality and body parts. Sharing him to allow him to feel an enhanced pleasure turns me on because, since I have made the decision to do this, I don’t feel violated or betrayed. I just feel loving and turned on.

A secret deception, even if it’s just some prose online, is like a huge blow in the stomach though, because you feel then like you have no ownership of this thing that can bring you such pain. It’s a horrible sense of vulnerability.

So, I continue to wonder if we could do a three-way phone thing and what it would be like. I just don’t know. And I don’t know if I would be struck by lightning for doing it. I don’t really mean struck by lightning so please don’t leave me scads of anti-Christian notes. I just mean that I don’t want to displease God even if it means pleasing me and my husband. On the other hand, why has God created in me this person who has these cravings and why does the indulgence of these fantasies and thoughts seem to contribute to a healthy happy marriage. Obviously my husband is happier when I’m thinking things that excite me. That almost always leads to exciting sex. And, for us, exciting sex almost always leads to a more harmonious relationship out of bed.

I don’t know… I’m tired and my mind is spinning. I wish I knew the answers or at least knew someone else who knew the answers. I’ll have to keep pondering this.