Sinking

I am really sinking into some weird sort of depression/attitude problem.  Yesterday the head of the Illinois chapter preached at our church.  It was deadly.  He went on and on and was soooo boring.  I’ve been spoiled after so many years of great preaching (including from our own corrupt pastor).  I began to feel as if church has nothing to do with God anymore.  Everybody worried about whether their supposed to “robe up” or not… everybody performing.  It’s like a weekly show that’s put on for us under the guise of spirituality.

OH, I know that’s not true with a lot of ’em up there — but sometimes I don’t even think THEY realize how showy it all is.  And this guy from the state, he preached about a lot of stuff… too much… but the thought that was left with us was that we must manifest love.  This leads me to believe that, overall, the church’s view of the whole thing with pastor is that they’re going to sweep it under the rug.

I was afraid that was going to happen because a few years ago, when pastor worked for us AND for the main church in the next state, he was on a board of directors there.  There were many investors and the money they invested was disbursed by that board and lost.  A huge uproar happened and the law was brought in to investigate.  It is my understanding that no intentional wrong-doing was discovered, but they were being sued, collectively and individually for incompetence.  That litigation continues, as far as I know.  Our pastor is one of those who is being named individually in that suit.  Consequently, I sort of expected the main church to keep this whole thing quiet because who knows what kind of reflection it would have on the bigger suit that’s still happening.  Figures… so, like I said… what does church have to do with God?  I don’t know.  It seems to have a LOT more to do with show and politics.

Something poison is creeping into me.  I feel a bitterness and cynicism that I haven’t had to struggle with for years.  Part of me wonders about God — where is HE?  What is He doing?  And, in the bigger picture, why does this world make so little sense?  My faith is slipping.  My belief is eroding.  BUT, I’ve determined that I will begin to re-read the Bible but NOT via anybody else’s interpretation — only my own.  I’m sick of hearing stuff, then asking questions about it and not getting good answers.

For instance, why do we need to tithe if Jesus brought us out from under the law?  Why is THAT one the only law that’s still shoved down our throats?  And, while we’re on the subject, WHERE exactly did Jesus say we were NOT under the law.  If I recall, He said the opposite.  This is not the first time I’ve felt we should be studying some of those OT laws more carefully and implementing them.

If we go to another “church” I believe we will check out the Messianic Temple near us.  They have a website and I’m intrigued.  After all, my husband was raised Jewish.  Maybe we’ll be closer to the roots of our religion that way.  I have a feeling, though, that it’s just going to be the same old mess.

Obviously, I no longer have a strong desire to minister formally.  It disgusts me at this juncture.

There was another board meeting yesterday after church (on Father’s Day,  no less) and they’re just sort of giving up.  If the church wants him back, then so be it.  One of them even said, “Well, we’ve got to follow our spiritual leader…” My husband responded with, “No we don’t!” because it’s true.  He’s leaving the church when pastor comes back (or shortly thereafter.)

He brought up to the board that we may have a legal responsibility here.  They said that brothers don’t do that to brothers.  Whatever.  Anyway, one of them took him on the side afterward and said that this was already turned over by somebody to the State’s Attorney.  I guess that’s a secret since he didn’t bring it up in the meeting.

Part of me wants so badly to quit on the 12th, another part says, “stay,” because it’s a good, comfortable and easy job, another part says,”stay,” because I have a good “poker face,” and can make more difference in this situation from the inside than from the outside, and still another part says, “stay, and don’t leave Pastor B. there by  herself.”  Mostly, I just want to cut this all out of my life, but I can’t.  It’s like cancer and you can’t get rid of it without cutting up  good tissue.

Where is GOD?! Am I giving up too quickly.  I haven’t been standing for very long but I have no idea how long I’m expected to stand.  Does He even exist? I think so, but I look around me at these people who are supposed to be such strong believers and they are so not like what the Bible says to be.