Rowing Against the Flow — Oops, There’s No Paddle

Bet you all thought I was going to sleep late this morning. Yeah, I
thought so too but it was not to be. The guys got up early to go to the
opening day at Great America. I woke up sort of naturally at 3:30am (a
throw back to my openings at Sbucks) but that was okay because I just
smiled and said, “Ha ha,” and cuddled back down under the blankets to
go back to sleep. But when the guys got up to go to Great America, I
couldn’t really get back to sleep. It made me too awake.

I
didn’t want to go with them so early. There were things I wanted to do,
plus it is just not that warm here and I didn’t really want to chance
catching a cold with the pace I need to keep right now, so I told them
I’d come later or maybe not at all. My son didn’t much care either way
but I think my husband was a little disappointed. Anyway, I popped out
of bed and felt all my problems and thoughts and depressions and
anxieties, worries, dysfunctions, in general – all those things I’ve
been trying to escape for the past week and a half, trying to catch up
with me and I couldn’t take it, so I got up and began to clean. (Who do
I think I am, Amun-Ra?) I scrubbed the kitchen, cleaning everything
carefully, at the pace I usually keep at Sbucks, all polished up and
sparkling. I made bread too. Then I scrubbed the floor then moved into
the dining room (which we use as an office/computer area) then the
living room then the hallway and bathroom. Doing all of this, of
course, I was trying to avoid any unpleasant emotional feelings that
might be rising to surface. Heaven help me if I stopped to think. I did
get all of that cleaning done, but not without having to face some
things.

Before I could even finish the kitchen I got a call from
my oldest daughter. She had news for me. She told me she is pregnant.
She wanted to share that with me and certainly I am thrilled for her.
It is always good to welcome new life into the family (especially since
she is actually married this time) but I couldn’t help but be concerned
about my other daughter’s reaction to the news. After all, her whole
life has revolved around her attempts to conceive recently. Also, their
relationship hasn’t been the strongest. My older daughter is not the
most sensitive or empathic, so I knew this is going to be tough. I just
felt so torn in half. I am glad for my older daughter. She really
wanted a baby and she, too, had been trying (albeit somewhat
half-heartedly) for the past few years. She, however, had given up and
she and her husband had just started their foster parent classes
intending to adopt an older child, maybe 2-3 years old and give up
trying to conceive.

I know how hard this is for Hopeful1,
however. It’s not that she begrudges her sister the happiness at all.
She just wants it for herself as well. It’s hard to see everyone around
you absorbed with their children and their lives while you founder
waiting for your family and a child to call your own. We’re sort of a
child-centric family (as are many families). She wants to raise
children of her own. She wants to move on with her life.

So,
even if I attempt to escape thoughts, emotions, crisis, they catch up
with me. And in some of the most fragile places, too. I cannot explain
here how I coped with all of the things that traveled through my mind
because my diary is not my place to share secret thoughts anymore. I’ve
cut myself off from that as a resource by cultivating OD friendships
and by having my diary open to my family. Ordinarily that doesn’t
matter, but right now it makes things tough. Suffice it to say, it was
a tough day.

But, like a knight in shining armor, my brother
happened to call. We were sitting at the table having a little glass of
wine each and nibbling on some of the freshly baked bread and my
brother heard the news and felt bad for Hopeful1 (his favorite niece)
so he called back and said to me, “I want you to each take $50 on me
and go to the mall and buy whatever you want. You can each spend
between $50-$60 on yourselves – you’re not allowed to save any of it,
you MUST spend it. The report back to me and let me know what you
bought.”

It was like a game show! The three of us piled in the
car and Hopeful1 and I tried on a million outfits. We know how to
stretch a dollar. We bought a bunch of stuff. Hopeful1’s husband spent
his $$ on her 😉 She bought three pairs of summer pants, two or three
shirts, some earrings and shoes. I bought a purse (you know, that’s my
addiction), a wallet, a bracelet, some cute pajamas, and 3 choker
necklaces. With non-shopping spree money I also bought 2 shirts (one
black, one white) and one pair of black pants for Sbucks (they were
cheap and that’s all you’re allowed to wear there – white or black
shirts w/collars and black or khaki pants, shorts or skirts). We were
exhausted by the time we were finished. The shopping diverted our minds
from our misery and wore us out.

Hopeful1 and her husband
invited me out to dinner w/them but I was too tired and also just
wanted some time to be by myself. I showered and now, here I am. First
I read my favorites. One of my favorite things to do each day 😉 and
now I write. I can’t write some of the things I’d like to. My emotions
feel like a frayed rubber band right now. If stretched much further I
will surely break, but how much pain must Hopeful1 be in. It’s
unimaginable to me. On the other hand, I can’t discount the hurt that
my older daughter has to be feeling as she was at Great America today
with the rest of the family and called several times wishing I’d join
them because, of course, she wants to spend time with me too and
certainly, I know, wants to talk about her pregnancy. I’m her mother,
she wants to share this joy with me.

I hate this position that
I’m in. I hate where I’m at right now. I feel as if I’m on the Colorado
River in a kayak expected to row against the current but somebody
forgot to furnish the paddle – but I feel like that same somebody is
looking at me with raised eyebrows as if I’m a complete idiot for not
knowing exactly how to guide this boat right up against the flow.