Oh crud, I got off track again…

So back to if I need the Prozac or not. (Do I seem a little verbose tonight? Yes, I seem that way to myself too.) Anyway, I feel like I’m caught up in this tug of war. Do I jeopardize my relationship with my husband by being a prozac eunich but have a pleasant personality laden with patience and smiles OR do I have a better sex life, but spend more hours in tears and rage? For a time today I thought, “I’d sooner see my husband have multiple affairs than continue feeling this horrible.” But now I’m thinking, “Well, I suppose I can deal with this.” It’s just that every time I turn around I feel like I’m going to start crying. I hate that so much and I haven’t felt that in a couple of years. At the same time I find myself opening up this bag where I put all my little annoyances and keep carrying them telling myself that I shouldn’t forget these injustices I’m bearing or other people will have “gotten over” on me.

When I’m un-ProzacKed it seems like that “gotten over” on me thing is a big deal. I can’t seem to stand to have anyone get over on me in any way. If I do a stitch more work, or am a stitch more understanding, or feel I’ve yielded my driving right of way, etc. etc., then I react like it’s the end of the world, or things MUST be even. I get a chip on my shoulder.

When I have Prozac in my system, I’m able to suppress that and remind myself that it doesn’t matter in the big picture and, instead of having even-ness be the focus of my efforts, I’m able to put goodness as a place I want to attain.

Why does everything have to be such a struggle?