Now I remember…

Now I remember why I didn’t keep up writing in here every day… my life is just too boring.  I only worked today but there were lots of deaths here.  Still reeling from the minister whose son was killed.  I think he was shot.  A couple of older ill women passed as well and somebody else’s cousin.  It seems to go in seasons.  We had a huge season of death last November as well.  Being a church, we play a huge role in those moments.  Our Senior Associate Pastor, however, is really good with people and is able to empathize and encourage.  So, my day was made up of continuing to adjust the announcements and the web page until the bereaved became a list instead of a single announcement.  Not a pleasant way to begin Mother’s Day.  On the other hand we also had a birth.  That helps.

Other than that, my day has so far been uneventful and I expect my evening to be filled with calm, serene TV time watching Joan of Arcadia and eating pizza.

I feel shell-shocked.  These past few weeks have been very hard on me.  Nothing has happened to me, personally.  My life is really wonderful, but so many people that I know and love as well as people that I don’t know so well, have been going through things.  One of the ladies in the office had her purse stolen last week.  She had just taken money out of the bank for her vacation, so there was $250. gone.  But it wasn’t just the money, they also now had her driver’s license, her checks, and who knows what else.  That’s such a mess to try to deal with, especially with all the threat of identity fraud.

I know that other ladies in the office are having various family problems as well.  And the stress is showing on the Pastor.

It was tough to be with  my mother last week as well; not because she was difficult in any way at all, but because it’s hard to see her growing weaker and weaker.  I hate aging.  I hate seeing her age.  My mother used to be so much fun.  Life has sort of killed her and I’m scared because I know it will do that to me too.  Of course, I’d rather be like my mother and live until I’m old and weak than be like my father and die of Alzheimer’s Disease.  Better to lose the body than the mind.  But I don’t want to die either.  I believe in heaven and Jesus and God, but it’s still scary for me.  I’m riding on faith, alone.  Nobody really knows anything for sure.  Also, as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown to dislike change.  Along with that, as I’ve gotten older, life has actually become enjoyable in many ways.  If I lost a day for every time I wished I were dead in the past, I’d be dead now.  Nowdays I rarely wish I was dead, I spend many more wishes hoping to live happy and healthy.

I don’t understand life.  I don’t understand how it unfolds.  I don’t understand the things that happens to our minds as we grow.  Life is so big.. it’s so unpredictable.  It’s so painful, yet can be exquisite.  It’s sure that most people likely find more pain and trial in life than they find joy, but we still all have this basic instinct to live.  Things are just to complex and huge for me to figure out.