It’s So Late…

I was going to be off to bed after checking my email but, when I checkd it, there were over a dozen messages sitting there from my brother.  They were all BCCs of emails he had sent to his daughter.  If you’ve read this diary much, you’d know that he is estranged from his family because of a terrible cocaine addiction that lasted 2 or 3 years.  Prior to that time he was a good father… and since recovering, he’s gotten back on his feet, has a good job, and has developed a wonderful relationship with God.  His family, however, just won’t forgive him… it seems as if the sentence is life.  And in the most recent email he wrote, he said this: <i>”I would like to clear this up with you……and understand if the situation
effectively is that no matter how hard I try, how long I try, how consistent I am….basically I will forever remain diminished.”</i>  There was something so plaintive about that sentence, about his use of the word “diminished” that it just ripped my  heart out. I mean I actually and really felt physiological changes pour into my body.  My chin got tight all the way down to my throat.  And I realized I was experiencing one of the great moments of tragedy that I’ll ever see in my life.  It was one of those moments that you know are defining.  I had to write… I had to get that moment out of me or I think I would have been so heavy when I lay down to sleep that I would have broken my bed.  Here is how it feels….

ON EMPTY EMAILS FROM ALEX
I’m asking you now, could you ever forgive me,
or am I diminshed for ever and all?
I just want to know you, to be a part of you
to see you, to touch you, to give you a call.
But I feel that your answer, would crush my whole spirit.
I feel that your anger is deeper than life.
And I hear the unspoken, I hear what you tell me.
You’ll never recover and never forget.
Not if I-AM, Himself, stood before you and begged you
Not if earth would tomorrow be lost in the sun
Not if pigs flew and rainbows lay down on the sidewalk
Not if I was at death’s door and begged you to come
Not if only on foot I would travel to see you
Not if I would eat dirt and lick all of your shoes
Not if spiked leather strips were attached to a stick
that I used to flail skin off my back every day
Not if I started sobbing or begging or choking
Not if winter was warm and the summer was cold
Not if spring time brought death and the fall started blooming
Not if dogs could meow or if all cats could bark
Not if I would surrender a purple guitar
with a memory of love that you once gladly took
Not if I write an email each day for a year
Not if I write enough to create a whole book
Not for all of the tea that you might find in China
Not for anything would you allow me to be
someone that’s in your life, someone who’s near you
someone you talk to and someone you see.

But no matter how hopeless, I can no more give up
than give up my blood or my bones and still live.
I may be grieved by the way you perceive me
but eagerly grab anything you might give.