I feel so…. empty… I don’t know

I feel so weird, emotionally… like empty, depressed.  I don’t know.  Things were pretty good over the past couple of days, nothing tough to deal with.  I went to the church tonight and spoke at the Wellness Ministry Meeting about my weight loss surgery.  I’m happy overall… but, I don’t know… just wrestling with myself. I think the weather affects me too.

It’s so weird, feeling so lost, isolated, and lonely when there are many people out there who care.  My husband, my daughter, friends… how can one be lonely when such wonderful people abound?  I guess part of it is because I’m having some spiritual upheavals as well right now.  Sometimes I don’t know what is correct and what is incorrect in beliefs about God and about the way He interacts in our current world.  I just don’t know how much “power” is really imbued in us, humans.  I mean, at church they say things like… “Speak life…” and I try to do that, but sometimes “speaking life” is a form of lying.  I know we have the “power of life and death in our tongues,” but I think it’s taken out of context sometimes in my church and perhaps was meant more of a psychological power as opposed to an actual power – like moving mountains.

I’ve never seen a mountain get moved from faith alone.  There’s no reason it should, either.  It seems like God does as He will regardless of all the ways we try to manipulate Him.  I love God and I believe although sometimes I get a scary blank-ness.  I just DON’T KNOW so much.  I have questions that no one can really answer and that lack of knowledge leaves me scared and wondering. 

I do feel as if the words of the Bible have a certain power and impact on me… more than just any old motivational book.  I’ve read all kinds.  There’s some sort of internal thing that goes on when I read the word… psalms especially… something that happens with praise and with awe of God.  It sort of feels like an internal balloon getting filled with something good.  Plus things have happened in my life that appear to me to be miracles.  I realize that people could explain these things away with coincidence or forced logic, but some changes have truly been miraculous.  I don’t, however, feel as if ALL of these things were the result of prayer, even if SOME of them definately appear to be.

I guess I need to pray for more answers, more assurance, more intimacy with the Lord.  When I feel truly intimate with the Lord, then I am able to feel intimate in my human relationships as well. 

There is some sort of spiritual upheaval thing happening to me.  I am of the opinion that it will probably result in something positive, mature, real… but I’m having some growing pains now I think.