Embarassed…

I don’t even know you guys… but I still feel embarassed. I really want to be forthright in this journal, but I see a problem occurring. If I’m not careful, that mask I like to keep on in front of the world starts to pull itself up over my face. I start wanting to present myself in a better light, etc. etc. I have an inkling of this because I suddenly felt sort of exposed and embarassed with my fantasy entries. Funny how it’s easier to admit being a b**ch to your husband sometimes than it is to admit to having sexual ideas that may be out of the mainstream.

So, I have to remind myself… I’m a faceless person to you… and could disappear at any moment simply by pressing the “delete my diary” choice. I guess that makes me feel safe.

So if playing around with different attitudes and roles in sex doesn’t seem so good to you… what do you think keeps your sex life sparkling? When I say roles, I don’t mean we dress up in leather and snap whips in the air, but sometimes I may be a more aggressive lover and sometimes he is. (Here I go, getting uncomfortable again, feeling embarassed. But I can’t exactly go out and ask about this stuff at a cocktail party so where can I ask other people their opinions and ideas?) I sort of flow with my mood and that has led to some of the best sex we’ve ever had. The thing is, getting in the mood I’m thinking impure thoughts or maybe it’s more like feeling “impure” feelings.

Are you each always present when you make love? I mean during the whole thing are you focused on the other person the whole time, your love for them taking you on an erotic wave into orgasm? Is that how it is every time? Or sometimes do you just think about yourself or focus on your mood or sort of pretend you’re somebody else? Am I crazy?

I get so afraid that my sexual attitudes are all screwed up because of the incest in my past. When the people you trust misuse you at a very young age, it tends to mess you up down the road. On the other hand, I think that I picture the “normal people” as having some sort of picture book encounter each and every time they make love…. sort of a hearts and flowers thing with no darkness, no edge, no — well, no sexiness.

In the movies, when “normal people” make love, they seem to fade out before the real stuff happens. Like in Titanic, they cut from before to after. That’s how it is in most movies when two “good” lovers get together. However, if you watch Color of Night or Lake Consequence or something, they stay with the scene so that you end up seeing the passion. It was like that in Fatal Attraction too. Maybe it’s because the director wants you to think the love making between the two “good” lovers was so good that only your imagination can fill in the picture. But what happens is you sort of don’t know what to do once the moment arrives in your own life where the scene would fade. For me, that moment is when the darker side starts to take over, as if I’ve slipped from love to lust. For me, I somehow can’t seem to reconcile the two. Then, after it’s over, I can go back to love again.