Deadness

Here I am, recovering now from the wedding and the family visit. You can bet we didn’t have any sex while THEY were here. Nothing can cool your libido faster than being around your mom (at least for me). But now they’re gone and my little girl is married and I’m back to work, but my sex drive is still someplace out in space. One thing is that I wasn’t taking any DHEA while the family was here… I forgot to. I really think that stuff works because when I was taking it, I seemed more normal sex-wise.

I know I need to get my mind set back in that frame, but it’s not all that easy. There are so many other things to do that sex ends up bumping down the stairs until it’s forgotten. Also, my husband and I have been having these little spats and that seems to hang over me, making me resistant to intimacy. It sort of puts a wall between us. I feel like we’re slipping right back to where we started from.

I sense his need. He sort of hangs around me with that unspoken question and I just ignore it as if I don’t know. Meanwhile, he snaps at me for things and is not tender in any way, so I just become more and more distant.

I make it sound like we have this awful marriage when really we probably have the best marriage of anybody I’ve ever met. The thing is, I want it to be better. I guess somewhere inside I want to keep striving for perfection. My mind knows it will never be perfect, but my heart can’t seem to believe that.

On the good side, he’s taken to making the bed every morning. I usually leave before him and when I come home, the bed’s all made. That makes such a pleasant difference and unlike how he has usually been through the past. I consider that a tender and considerate effort on his part and have acknowledged it, but won’t feel like I’ve REALLY acknowledged it until I’ve slept with him.

So, let me think… I’m sorry this diary is always so much mind-barf, but I guess that’s what journaling is all about. What turns me off? When he’s snappish and sort of mean and doesn’t treat me with sensitivity. I also get turned off when I sense the pressure for sex… that’s almost the worst turn off I can experience. Now, what turns me on? When he seems to have forgotten about sex… when I can tell it’s really not on his mind and he’s just enjoying being with ME. I also get turned on when he’s tender to me and treats me like I’m special. I just hate it when I feel like he’s doing all this stuff just to have sex.

But there’s also this fundamental difference between us. He sees sex as a natural extension of our love. Geez, what a novel concept. I’m sure that’s how all normal people see it. I, probably because of the molestation, seem to see sex as something completely different. Almost as if somebody REALLY loves you they wouldn’t “make” you have sex. On the other hand, it’s not like I haven’t had a sex drive through the years. It just hasn’t been much of an extension of my love. It’s been more of a physical culmination of my emotional fantasies. Some of the stuff I’ve published has been almost horrifying and some of the web stuff I had up would make most people shudder. I wrote lots of bdsm stuff and am still getting royalties. And my really horrible stuff got bizarre internet awards… like the “Sickest Sites of the Web Seal of Disapproval.” If you’ve ever been to sickest sites, you’d know how horrible that is. And I used to get fan mail on that stuff too. I guess I’m not the only one in the world who has a weird take on sex.

The thing is, when I get that emotional, my writing is better. I had a director contact me about writing a screenplay after he read my most shocking stuff, not because he wanted porn, but because he wanted that same intensity in a script.

And the sex can be similar. When I was writing and having cybersex, our sex life got pretty intense, but I don’t think it was emotionally healthy for me. Oh, this is so frustrating! Will I ever be able to make the two become one… love and sex?

I read the diary of this woman and her husband and, although she’s prone to be hurt by him, I admire how she loves the man. I keep thinking that I want that. I want to be like her. It is a gift to be able to love someone enough to put them before yourself. I actually think that in the big picture my husband loves me that much. I believe that he has opened himself up and made himself vulnerable to me, telling me his secrets and trusting my heart in his hands.

I also believe I’ve done that to a certain extent, but only because my walls have slowly eroded over time. I find myself shocked sometimes at how much I do love him and my first instinct is to pull back and try to regain that safer balance. On the other hand, I really want to love him more, to be more open to him. I want to do it willingly instead of by accident.

Well, anyway… I have to get some sleep. I open the store at 5:00 AM tomorrow morning. Good night world.