Day 25- Someone you wish would forgive you

Day 25 – to someone you wish could forgive you.

Years ago my best friend was also a co-worker of mine.  He was young, extremely heavy, extremely FUN, and extremely gay.  He was a not a “wonderful” guy in the way that I see things now… or even then.  He could be mean spirited, lazy, critical and definitely brought out those non-attributes n me.  But I loved him… he was soooo much fun and we had so much fun together. He knew how to enjoy life (too much).  He ate too much, drank too much, spent too much money — but I loved his ZEST for life.  We had many adventures together.  I miss him so much.

After I quit working at my old job in 1999, we didn’t hang out as much.  I became more active in the church and had a hard time reconciling some of his lifestyle choices with my beliefs… it wasn’t just the gay thing… he had established a sort-of club in his home where, once a month, he hosted and men that wanted to come over and have gay experiences together.  He would supply food, booze, etc. and pass the hat.  Eventually it got so popular that he was able to charge.

Men of all types would come together (there is a pun in there) and have sexual experiences together… the curious, the horny… anyone.

Earlier in our relationship I had stood up at his wedding to his partner…. they had married in a church and had a reception and everything.  He asked me to speak at the wedding and I did.  I spoke about commitment and being together down the line.  A minister officiated so I figured they had gotten married under the eyes of God.

Some time after that  he told me that he and his partner were considering having a three-way with another man but he wasn’t sure if that would be a good idea.  He asked me what I thought.  I told him that it would be adultery and that he shouldn’t do it.  He was a little stunned because I guess even HE didn’t see his marriage as being a marriage.  Eventually they DID do the three-way.  

We visited David and his partner a number of times, but as the years passed, the visits got less and less frequent until actual years were going by in between our visits.  We tried to hook up for lunch a couple of times but I felt as if he just didn’t want to have lunch with me and I suspected that he didn’t want to go out with me because he was afraid I would try to evangelize to him.  

I didn’t pursue it because I thought he was mad at me.

After a long time, his partner contacted me through FB.  He wrote to me that David had died of fatty liver disease.  He had suffered with it for almost a year…. and he had really suffered.  I guess his partner went through hell especially toward the end because I know David could be difficult, demanding and bitter even the best of times. But I was devastated.  Really devastated.

We took David’s partner out to dinner one night after finding about David’s death.  I told him that I thought David had been upset with me about my Christianity but his partner said no… David had been upset with me because I couldn’t seem to find time to see him.  Consequently David suffered all those months and never contacted me.  

David is not here to forgive me my neglect of our relationship and David was not really a forgiving kind of person so I don’t know if he’d even forgive me NOW if he WAS here… but I loved him. I loved hearing his view on the world.  I loved sitting around drinking with him, eating his cooking, watching shows with him, going out on photo hunts with him, browsing through the photos he took, going to street festivals with him.  I really miss him.

Dear David,

I miss you.  I miss your laugh and our fun together.  I am so so sorry that I wasn’t there for you in the end.  It hurts me to the core… but you knew it would, didn’t you.  I hope somehow that my pain over not being there for you can reach up to where you are and touch you and soften your heart toward me.  I feel a bitter bitter regret but learned an important lesson.   I take no one for granted.

I hope you are happy now, untroubled and free from the shackles that made you so depressed here, on earth.  In my mind’s eye,  I see you relaxed, content, and finally completely whole.

I hope you forgive me.  I hope I forgive myself.

Me