Comments II…

I really really loved that comment that lost butterfly left. Now that is the kind of confidence I need, want, and wish I had. She’s right! I am pretty cool in a lot of ways too. My husband likes me as well as loves me. Today we goofed around, playing pretend karate then wrestling and making love. I looked into his handsome face and really felt the moment. I’ve been doing some thinking and I realize that half my problem is that I’m so task oriented… get it done, get it done, that I end up missing the moment because love making is like another thing I need to check off the list of tasks to do. Instead I’ve decided to slow down and live the moments of my life. Not just the love making, but also the in between moments.

I’ve also decided that, for right now, I’m not going to take any meds. I went off the Welbutrin and feel sooooo much better. I know the Celexa hasn’t started working yet so as of yesterday I haven’t taken any sort of antidepressant. Maybe in my current state of life I don’t need them so much. I suppose it might get tough when I get the backlash from my brother that is sure to come when he realizes the statement I gave will end his court stunts against his wife, but we’ll see what happens. I’ve got a wonderful church with a really edifying pastor. I’ve got a great family, a terrific and supportive husband and a wonderful therapist. If ever there was a time to try to see if the “real” me can handle this stuff, it is now. And since I’ve been off everything, my sex drive has greatly improved, so we’ll see.

If it turns out that I do need the meds, I’ll go back on the Celexa as we had originally planned, and I won’t feel like it’s a failure. The reason I put the word real in quotes up there is because when I first went on Prozac I told my therapist that I felt the meds had uncovered the real me for the first time in my life. That the effect of the Prozac had allowed my true personality to come out from behind the chemicals that kept me stressed and reactive. Right now I feel pretty sedate and I feel what I think “normal” people feel. I don’t sense myself slipping off the edge of rage or impatience, my customers seem friendlier, and I’m not unhappy at all right now. I’m not sure that will maintain, especially when six weeks have passed and the Prozac is completely out of my system. But, again, we’ll see. In the meantime, i think I’ll just glide along wherever the waves of my emotions take me. It doesn’t seem to be dangerous waters as long as I sort of keep in touch with God and with myself. If it gets too choppy, I’ll reconsider.

And so, as I lay on the bed and embraced my husband, I let myself feel a full love for just a moment. It was incredibly scary. It’s so much easier to just turn off your emotions and stay in the physical. But this is something I want to do. I want to love him the way I hear others loving their husbands. I think that maybe I’m ready to take a little risk with my emotions.