An Empty Spot…

Tomorrow she will be wed. I’m so happy for both of them. I love my children so much and I love my new son-in-law too. Everything is chaotic and frantic, but I sit here printing out more programs. That’s really a blessing because I can escape into the solitude of my online diary.

It seems like my wedding was so recent. My middle brother “gave me away” because my father was dieing in a nursing home at the time. Alzheimer’s disease had already taken him from us.

Now that same brother is not here. He’s left us for a sleazy woman and a bad cocaine habit.

When I got married and both my brothers were here, I was so proud of them. They were so handsome and rich and successful. They were each so suave and charming. I always felt inadequate around them, but I loved them so much.

Now, my oldest brother is here and I find my love for him growing as we talk about the “loss” of my middle brother. My oldest brother is so even tempered and wise. But I was always closest to my middle brother. Just as he was close to both the oldest and to me. He was sort of a bridge between us almost.

My kids idolized my brother. Everybody loved him. And now, there’s this empty space where he should have been during this time of “familiness.” I cannot believe how much it hurts not to have him here. I cannot believe how much it hurts to see who he has become. My heart feels like it’s ripping right out of my body.

Seeing my Mom and my brother and my aunt makes it hurt all the more. That brings home the reality of not having my middle brother. Oh my God… it hurts so much.

But then, I look at my daughters, my son, and my granddaughter. I listen to the chaos as they mill about the house, everyone excited and getting ready for tomorrow. All I can do is breathe very deeply and try to suck in the air of family. These are the things we wish we could collect but there is no jar to hold them.

My daughter is so beautiful. Anyone would be proud to have her as theirs. I wish my brother were here to celebrate with us, but I’m glad my other brother is so incredibly wonderful that he seems to be filling that void.

Life is so happy-sad.