A “Lord of the Flies” World

I started to write earlier today when I was in this really b**chy mood, but I ended up just closing the window and logging out of the net. I was too tired and too disgusted with the world to continue.

Now I’m in a more balanced mood and can’t even really remember exactly what I found so disturbing. I just remember thinking I should go ahead and write about it and try to come to the root of why I had sunk to such a rotten dispostion.

Part of it was lack of sleep I s’pose. I just haven’t had enough lately. But I think a big part was the way these kids have been picking on my boy. I think it bothers me more than it bothers him. There must be an echo going off in my mind of when I was in seventh grade and all these girls were picking on me. We all had to take sewing class and some of them trapped me in the back room and poked me with needles. I put up with this kind of treatment for a long time. Finally, one day, I played sick, stayed home, and took a bottle of sleeping pills. My parents never found out about it because they were non-prescription pills so I didn’t die (obviously). I didn’t even really get sick. I just remember hearing voices (no, I haven’t ever heard voices besides then and they weren’t like voices telling me what to do… more like the buzz of a choir in the distance, probably to do with blood pressure somehow).

I had decided to do the sleeping pill thing, fully expecting to die. I told nobody about my plans and probably would not have lived if I had been able to take prescription pills OR if I had been able to swallow pills whole. I hadn’t mastered that swallowing thing then so had to chew each pill one by one. They tasted so awful it took me a long time to get them all down.

I’ve looked back on this incident a number of times since it happened and I realize that the reason I never told anybody about what these girls were doing was because I was too ashamed to tell. I thought there was something about me that caused it. And, actually, I guess there was. Isn’t there always something about the victim when a bunch of bullies singles them out? Maybe we’re the ones that have the emotional “Kick Me” sign on our backs, right where we can’t reach to tear it off. No matter what, though, no one deserves that treatment. NO matter how dorky you are, no matter how awkward, no matter how vulnerable… nobody deserves that treatment and nobody should feel ashamed of being singled out for that. The problem was, I had no concept of any other perspective back then. I didn’t want my parents to know what a “loser” I was. It scares me that my suicide attempt wasn’t a cry for help. No one knew except one friend who never told anyone. Once the attempt failed, however, I didn’t try again but did end up telling my parents. They talked to the school and it all pretty much stopped. Life wasn’t a joy after that, but at least it was livable.

I get amazed at my son when he comes home and tells me about his conflicts because he has absolutely no shame about them. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for that. I’m glad he sees things as the other person’s deficiency and not his. And I want him to feel protected. I called the school and talked to the Principal and he talked to the other boys involved. Things are not great, but my boy is comfortable on the bus and he still has a group of friends. The principal was nice about it, and there was no excess trauma for my son. The world can be so different when you are raised in a family that doesn’t cultivate shame or force you to figure things out for yourself. I think my boy’s world is better than mine was and I thank God for that. I just feel badly that anyone would have to go through any of this. Kids become demons starting at age 11 and it doesn’t let up until about age 15 or 16. Just think about Lord of the Flies.