September 25, 1992

4:33 am

I’m just sitting here lonely and depressed – because my honey is 1/2 an hour away, and I really need a hug. I want a baby. SO bad! It seems that everybody else is having a child, except me. I fucking figures doesn’t it?!! K. and I have been trying to have a baby (on and off.) See, K. really wants to make me happy, and we don’t really know if I will or can ever have a baby, and K. says he wants a baby. So when he’s in that frame of mind he has no problem doing it without a condom: but sometimes he worries that we’re not ready for a child/ Financially, ya know? And he gets scared, and when he gets into that frame of mind – he puts off the "trying". I understand now why he is so "jerky" doing sex. Remember my last entry where I was frustrated? Well, I understand his reasons now, he’s just confused. Besides, this morning/afternoon we "did it" without a condom. I gave him a real hard time – when he said he came inside I didn’t believe him, so I told him – and he said it really hurt that I didn’t trust him. But what can I say? I rarely keep things from K. so I let him know how I feel on the subject. I don’t know if I believe him or not! I want to though, because every time it happens it gets me one step closer to getting pregnant. Now, you may wonder why I want to get pregnant but I don’t want to get married? I’ve been married before, and it wasn’t pleasant, and I really do NOT wish to go through it again. I have never had a baby, or been pregnant, and I have wanted a baby for years! (I wanted one with my ex, but he kept saying he wanted to wait.) I’m glad now that I didn’t have a baby with my ex, but to have a child with K. would be heaven. I know he and I are going to be together 4-ever – (at least I hope.) So why would it be wrong to create a child together? Well, here’s to Fertility!!