September 20, 1992

12:22 pm

Things are a little STRAINED!!

September 23, 1992

7:56 am

Forgiveth me, I have been awake all night. It was a really stormy night, the thunder and lightning was really fantabulous, and I was SO scared that I went out at midnight in the rain and dark to get Sandy out of the garage – and then everything was better. I’m sitting her in leotards, because at 3:30 this morning I got into my head that I wanted to get into shape – so I used and aerobic tape that was K’s mom’s, and it was awesome! VERY, VERY tiring and exhausting — but I couldn’t finish the exercises, because I got really bad cramps in my lower abdomen, which really scared me, so I stopped. I could really get into this, couple of months there’ll be a slim/trim Amy Sue on the move! Yes! I have an appointment at Family Planning at 3:00 this afternoon for another pregnancy test. 3 weeks today – no period yet. Kevin and I are having a tremendous amount of arguments and disagreements about a baby. I want a baby SO badly! K. agreed awhile ago (last month) but now he says he doesn’t feel right about it. What the Fuck! He pisses me off when he does that! I realize K. has to put up with alot where sex with me is concerned — but I put up with some things from him too!! But this royally pisses the hell right out of me! He will say "sure we can do it without one (a condom)" But, when I’m close (and I really have to work for my ORGANISMS) he’ll either 1.) pull-out; claiming he doesn’t want to go inside, or he’ll beg me to put one on. He doesn’t want a baby, deep down inside, so I can’t figure out why he says he does. I want a baby – but I DON’T want to get married. I don’t know, I was all fine with the notion of getting married until I really sat down and thought about it. Why get married and spoil what we have? It would only end in another divorce anyway. Right? Besides, I can’t marry anyone, I’m a really fucked-up person, and I can’t weight K. with all of this baggage. Oops! My movie is over – so I guess I’d better go clean before K. comes home and thinks I’m as lazy as ever! Gotta earn my keep somehow.