September 18, 1992

2:52 pm

It’s been a great while since I have sat down and "spoke my mind". I’ve been keeping another journal, it’s just a notebook and I’ve been writing VERY long passages. But I missed my little book – so, here I am! Things have been really good for Kevin and I for the almost-month we have lived here. We haven’t had much time by ourselves, because Ed and Lori have been here every single weekend since we moved in. (Argh!) At first I didn’t mind, because I enjoyed the company – especially when I have to stay alone in the house, but too much company! I had to feed them each night they were here, and that tends to get a little expensive, especially when I have a hard enough time stretching meals for my dearest and myself. 4 people! I just got tired of all the company all the time, so I told Lori that I have plans FOREVER! I know, I’m really being a bitch, but the girl has practically moved in with us! I thought when we first met we would be really good friends, because she is practically the same age as me (she’s 18 and I’m 21.) We went out for pizza; Dawna, Lori, Ed, Kevin and I – and Lori and I seemed to get along really well – so I figured a friendship (a good one) was imminent. (? spelling) She is a wicked Hypochondriac – if you have it, or think you’ve got it – she’s got it for sure! But only life-threatening things!! I have a possible case of endomitrial cancer, and there is something wrong with my right ovary. (But Lori is sure she’s dying of cancer, and she’s gonna have to have all of her insides out – and Dear Lord! Let her have children or she’ll BE CRUSHED! (HEAVEN FORBID!!!) And I thought I had started something really good by planning for Ed and Lori to get to know each other, but I had the feeling when they first started hanging together that Lori was just stringing Ed along – so, I confided in Kevin, which was a mistake, because K. is Ed’s best-friend, and he HAD to tell Mr. Brown. Ok, so K. had to share this information with Ed – and then Lori said yes to Ed when he asked her out, so I looked like a fuckhead. (I was already a schmuck in Mr. Brown’s eyes, so, why not? Right?) Well, Lori doesn’t treat Ed like a boyfriend – he drove all the way from Auburn to visit her on Wednesday, and all she said when she saw him was "what are you doing here?" Now, if K. made a special 2-hour trip just to see me, I would be all over him! And Dawna told me that she asked Lori the other day about Ed and all Lori said was "It just isn’t there."! Well, what in the hell did she mean by that? Ed and I may have our differences, and we may not see eye to eye on certain subjects, but he’s a really good and decent guy, and I’d hate to see him get used. He spoils Lori like crazy, and he’s as loving as she’ll let him be. She says she’s really afraid of being used (sexual wise.) She says she’s got the feeling that she’s being pushed – when all Ed has done was assure here that she has all the time in the world, and he’s kissed her and put his arms around her. Kevin is gonna tell Ed about what Dawna told me, and here we go. I make my own assumptions about characters – and where I may be right about Lori stringing Mr. Brown along, if I am right, nobody will thank me, they will blame me because I dared say something that was some-what out of line. And, where I was only speaking out because of my concern for Ed and his heart–I bet you $2 that Ed will just accuse me of trying to keep Lori and him apart. You just can’t win! Can you? I GIVE UP! I feel that way about a lot of areas in my life right now. I’m kinda "down in the dumps" about all SORTS of things. I have been sick lately, and I don’t have a job so I feel like I am loafing off of K. He said that if I wanted to consider doing the housework "earning my keep" then I could. Still no luck on that "baby" thing. I was ordered by 2 doctors not to try right now until I find out what’s wrong with me. Dr. Bentley and Dr. Eliot both told me that the only way they could tell what is wrong with me internally was by what is called a "laperascope" (?spelling) A.K.A. "exploratory surgery". They stick a light in an incision in your belly-button and "explore your insides". That’s all fine and dandy, right? Jane Call, up to Family Planning said she has had 2 and for about a week you feel like you were run over by a bulldozer. AND it costs $2000. OH YES DUDE! I HAVE ENOUGH BILLS TO PAY WITHOUT ADDING 2-GRAND! BUT-IF THERE IS ANYTHING THAT IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH ME OR MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS; IT WOULD BE BETTER TO HAVE IT FIXED OR CAUGHT NOW BEFORE IT CAUSES IRREPARABLE DAMAGE, RIGHT? AND – MY CAT DIED TODAY. THAT REDUCES OUR "LITTLE FAMILY" TO A CAT (SAMANTHA), A RABBIT (CRYSTEL)–THE DOG ATE "HOJO" MY OTHER RABBIT. AND 2 DOGS (GAIL AND SANDY). WE GOT SANDY SO THAT I WOULD FEEL PROTECTED. SANDY IS A GERMAN-SHEPPARD THAT WOULD REALLY SCARE ANY WOULD-BE INTRUDER. Only problem is she is a 9 1/2 month old puppy and she needs ALOT of attention. she is really an awesome dog – I felt really safe with Sandy guarding the house last night, but I can’t put up with her jumping on me. Hopefully in time, she will learn to listen when I tell her "no" and she won’t be so friggen jumpy or need so much attention. I really want to love her, and have a friend/guard dog. (That was the reason we got her in the first place, for a guard dog.) But she wags her tail at EVERYONE! and she doesn’t listen to Kevin or I. Kevin put her out in the garage before he left for work, and now I hear her out on the porch. Before I go to bed I’ll let her in the house, but I’m shutting her out of the bedroom, cause she jumps on the bed. I have one sore hand from writing, so – say levee!