November 21, 1992

10:00 pm

It’s Saturday night, and K. and I just made love, and now I am one hurting unit. I-yi-yi! I think I discovered part of the reason that I am confused and sad – I don’t have any friends! I know, I have friends at work, it’s just, that no-one comes to visit me at home, and I don’t have any, or even one close friend to "chum" around with, and discuss life with. Whenever something is bothering me or I can’t make up my mind about something I always discuss it with K., but I usually just take the general concensus. I almost called Lori because of this way I was feeling, but it’s not Lori I want, but a friendship. I told K. I wasn’t happy here, and I’m not! I hate living all the way out here, so how do I solve and handle this problem when K. and I get married?

November 23, 1992

2:38 pm

Well, I finally gave into the urge, and I called Ms. M. Well, actually, I went into "Rite Aid" and asked Lori if we could talk. She said ok, and we talked for a couple of minutes and things seemed okay between us. We both said we had wanted to say something to each other and we missed having each other to talk to and shop with, and share things with; so Lori was supposed to come here with Darren at 4:30 pm so I waited and waited. But she never showed up or called! So I called her around 8:30 and she said that Darren wanted to eat dinner at her brother’s house, so they couldn’t make it. Well, she could have at least called. But, she is supposed to come out to the house today around 5:00 or 5:30 pm (alone) so WE SHALL SEE. I’m beginning to doubt whether she was sincere or not, but I’m trying to keep my mind open about a relationship with her. If she doesn’t show up tonight, then I will not pursue this anymore, because I’ll know how she really feels. But if she does show up, and we have a good talk and we salvage a friendship. Anycase, we’ll see.

Later Today:

5:09 pm

well, it’s 5:00, and Lori never showed up or called. Does this mean that there is no friendship between us? Now I feel like a "heel", because I was actually hoping we could be friends again. O-well. I bet she was influenced by Robin and Roger or her "boyfriend" Darren; and if that is the case, then I didn’t need her in my life anyway! Maybe I was wrong to stop by and talk to her at Rite Aid, and try to get her to come and talk to me? MAYBE. Maybe I just wanted to be friends with her because she is going to have a baby. I don’t know, I really did want to start a GOOD friendship with her and give us a chance, but I guess she made the decision for us. If she doesn’t show up withing the next 1/2 hour, I’ll write her off as a mistake, and never speak of her again.

November 29, 1992

7:something

Well, if I can hold out until the first of February 1993, then I will have been writing in this one book for a whole year! Something I have never done. Besides, I think I am gonna write in a notebook next. Besides, well, I don’t know. Good news! I am TWO days late on my period! Maybe……just maybe. It seems a really good time to have a baby, right? It seems to be all I think of nowadays, having a baby – getting pregnant and having a family. For awhile it was all that was on my mind and so I kept trying to do it with K. so (and this was the only REAL reason) I could get pregnant. I stopped pushing it so much, and it’s been a really long time since K. has touched me on his own – so maybe I’m already PREGNANT – if not, I think I’ll just die of wanting!! And yearning.