NOVEMBER 17, 1993

November 17, 1993

(this letter was written "to" Maret at the beginning of therapy)

(sent to her on 12/30)

Dear Maret – I’ve decided to call you Maret instead of Mom, because "mom" is a title that you don’t seem worthy of. "Mom" – it means love, comfort, trust, safety, a person who nurtures you, loves you NO MATTER WHAT, is there when you need her, can hug you if you feel scared, puts your needs before her own, and tries to guide you through this world with a firm but loving hand. You never did any of those things. You have used me, abused me, and manipulated my emotions, made me feel that your arms were the only place I should want to be: but closed those arms–so I had NO confidence or trust when someone offered to love, or even like me. When I came to you about Donald, wanting you to still love me, wanting you to protect me, take me in your arms and tell me that everything was gonna be ok, get rid of Donald–you chose your husband over your own flesh and blood! That hurts. Mom, maybe you couldn’t have prevented the abuse at first, but you COULD have protected me! And even though you didn’t "stop" YOUR husband, you compounded the problem by blaming me! Okay, Maret, take a step back, and look really hard–I WAS A CHILD! If I found out that my husband was abusing my child – I would KILL him, where was your rage? Where was the hurt that you should have felt when a man that had only been a part of your life for a few years, violated and damaged your flesh & blood?!! You’re a COLD woman, and because you will not take the blame for what you did, and because I want to get healthy, I am heaping the blame on your shoulders! I give you all the neglect, abuse, confusion, hurt, sadness, vunerability, etc…..that I have felt all of my life. I give you all the guilt that I have felt for so many years – and I state that from now on I keep your secret from no-one. For me – I will tell who I want, what I want, when I want, and how I want, and then YOU can deal with people’s reactions. I don’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed anymore – because I did NOTHING to provoke either one of you, and once I deal with my memories and misplaced loyalty to you + Donald, I WILL BE OKAY. I don’t hate either you or Donald, but I hate what you both did to me, and how you treated me this shit has messed up my life. Because of what you + Donald did to me, and how you treated me, I am a very vunerable and insecure person. I have to work at being the kind of parent that just comes naturally and easily to most people. You need help, if I refused this work to better myself, I have no doubt that I would turn out just like you. I’m not saying that you ruined my life, because I want + need to better myself, and then maybe you and I can talk. We need to talk, but if you shut me off, refuse to listen, or continue to blame me, I won’t suffer your abuse any longer. I won’t ask you to apologize, only to admit it was NOT my fault, and take your share of the blame, and admit it was wrong. If you can’t, I’m afraid that you and I will not be able to have a relationship OF ANY KIND. Not because you can hurt me, but because I need to keep the peace within myself, and if you’re gonna hinder my "peace", I choose not to see you. I don’t want to compromise my feelings and well-being for you, because you never did for me. It’s time I start living for me, my husband, and my son.

*edit*

(this letter was written at the request of the therapist.)

(my mother still to this day blames everything on me…..she simply tells everyone that I had an "affair" with her husband. Keep in mind that I was 10- years-old when everything happened.)

(my mother was also emotionally and physically and sexual abusive.)

(on hindsight, this letter may not have been a wise choice to send. but maybe growing older has mellowed me towards Mom. anyway, I believe that she may have been suffering with the same thing that I have.)

(in later years, after telling me that the bipolar was all in my head, she was dx’d with bipolar.)