November 15, 1992

9:09 pm

Well, I have had a really rough time for the past few days! I don’t know what’s wrong, or what’s bugging me, but maybe if I write about it, it will HELP. Remember Lori? (Ms. M and Mr. B were a couple, until Lori decided Ed was MOVING TOO FAST.) Ha! Well, the bitch broke up with Ed, shunned me as a friend, and started going out with this guy named "Darren" (hell, let’s not "change names" to protect, ok?) all in the same weekend. (the end of September.) The next weekend Miss. Materialistic moved in with her new boyfriend. Hussy! And, I pretty much forgot about her. Occasionally I ran into her, and we ignored each other. Then, on Friday afternoon Lori and Robin (Lori is Robin’s side-kick bitch) were in Reny’s, so when Robin came to my register, I decided to be the "grown up", and so I said "hello" to Lori, and asked her how she was. I found out how she was all-right! The girl is pregnant! It’s really not nice and not fair, because she KNEW how much I wanted a baby and now she’s having one! And she’s only lived with the guy for 1 1/2 months! After she left the store, a "sadness" came over me, and I feel like crying and I don’t know or didn’t know why. I think I’m jealous. Lori M doesn’t deserve to have a baby. She’s a childish, selfish, materialistic BITCH! and she knew how much I wanted a baby! So last night it hit me, and I had myself a good cry in the bathroom and I felt a little better. K. asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to talk about it! How could I tell him that even though I had told him I would wait a year or two to have a baby, I really wanted to try as soon as we could? So I asked him if we could try as soon as we got married and he said "yes". That simple? No way! Way! I asked him why he agreed so fast, and he said because he wanted a baby too. What? That was the best news I could have gotten last night. So I asked him if we could try as soon as our wedding night, and he said "yes, of course". I can’t take birth-control pills any longer, because I am getting my wicked headaches again, and you’re supposed to stop taking the pills a couple of months before you try to get pregnant. So, instead of stopping mid-cycle – I’m gonna stop the pills at the end of this cycle – in 2 weeks (13 days). In 1 1/2 months I’m gonna be Mrs. Duren, and then we can start on that Baby Duren we both want so bad. I went to a baby shower tonight, it was for a girl I knew (know) who used to work at Reny’s. Patty. I really in my heart, didn’t want to go. Why? This awful "jealous" streak I have. Not really jealous, but it makes me feel sorry for me. And I’m beginning to realize that this is a really unhealthy was to think and feel but I just CANNOT stop myself! I thought I despised Lori, but I find myself thinking about her 89% of the time. I wish I knew how to just STOP thinking about her, and everyone else, and start thinking about ME. Why can’t I be happy and content with MY life, and stop thinking about and trying to compete with what’s going on in everybody else’s life? Maybe the counseling Joe was giving me would have proved good, but I wasn’t really comfortable with him. So?! But, I don’t know, maybe in time, sometime in the future, I’ll feel good enough about myself to see a complete stranger, and tell them all these weird things that go on in my head, and share MY whole sordid life story! MAYBE. I just watched a movie about a battered wife, who’s husband murders her in the end, and I have to say and think that I am lucky to have someone like my Kevin. He’s sweet, he’s kind and gentle, and he loves me, and takes care of me. I am marrying this man in 1 1/2 months, and I think I’m starting to take this seriously. (More seriously than mine and Victor’s marriage.) I’ve been wearing this ring that signifies I am Kevin’s fiancee for a month and 1/2 now, and it’s the longest I’ve ever worn any ring. I wear it ALL the time, in the shower, to bed, and at work. Is this a commitment? (of it’s own?) Well, I guess I’ve just about talked my heart’ out. I feel a little better. Still need a REAL good cry though.