Monday, April 16, 1990

1:15 pm

I just had to write right now, to get some of my feelings out in the open. I have decided that I want to stay here at Job Corps, but the decision isn’t mine to make anymore. Tomorrow I have to meet with Dr. Hecker who will make the final decision on whether or not I am to be here. I have done alot of thinking over the past week, I know now that I do have to learn to deal with my emotions and my stress, before they get the best of me, and I think that I want to see a counselor to help me get through this. It is time that I stopped hiding within myself, and got all of my frustrations and hurt out in the open. I have also discovered, deep within myself, that I don’t want to EVER think about ending my life, because I have way too much to live for! There is Victor, and sunny days like today, and if I am dead, then I cannot enjoy all of the things that I enjoy so much. Now, if I can convince Dr. Hecker of all of this stuff that I have thought so hard about, then maybe he will let me stay. I am trying to stay in a happy mood, because I do not want to be down in the dumps for the rest of my life, neither do I want to be sick, or helpless – I want to be an independent person, and I want to experience everything in life that I can! There are so many things out there that I have left to do, my life has just begun! I do wonder though, if Dr. H is going to believe any of this. I hope that he does. I hope that he decides to give me another chance, so that I can prove that this is the way that I truly feel. I wonder why I let go of the cheery person that I was just a few short months ago? I enjoyed being that person, and I want to bring that Amy back. I want to be around to climb a mountain (whenever I get up the urge), and I want to be around to one day have children, and to get married, and to be able to make it on my own. I want to be able to learn how to drive a car, and take walks on beautiful days like today, and to talk to my friends, and to see my little brother and sister grow into wonderful adults, and to finish my trainging, and to learn how to make egg-nog, and to maybe one day become the author that I have always dreamed about being. There are so many things that I haven’t done, and I guess that I must never lose sight of those dreams and hopes! I want to some day go to Paris, France, and see that famous art museum, THE LOUVRE. And I want to see all of my friends get lives of thier own started. Do you know what  I would like to do? I would like to get into volunteering again – I probably messed that up when I pulled that stunt on Monday. Oh well, I can ask, nothing makes me feel better then working and visiting with those elderly folks, I feel as though they are my grandparents. Yes, I want to start volunteering again. Oh man! I can just smell the sun and the cool breeze outside. Tonight Victor and I are taking a walk, alone, (although I can’t go off center, because I lost my Class A)–I think that a walk with Victor would be nice, because it is a wonderful day, and it has been quite well between us all day. I sometimes still wonder why Victor loves me, because of certain little things, and Monday, but he says that he still loves me, and he still wants to marry me. Oh boy. I cannot believe that I have really found someone that truly loves me for me, and doesn’t try to change any of my foolish ways, or doesn’t pick on me for any reason. I remember when we first started going out, and I thought that he was just using me for something, but I guess he has proven over time that that isn’t so, and that he truly loves me. I hope that tonight our walk is memorable, because it may be the last walk that we can take for awhile. I will not let myself get worked up in any way about tomorrow, because it just won’t do me any good. If I become too sure that Dr. Hecker is going to let me stay, and then he tells me goodbye, then I am going to be very let down, but if I let myself get depressed about it, and he sees me that way, then he is automatically going to say adios. I am going to go into his office tomorrow, with a big smile on my face, because right now I feel like smiling, because I am happy on the inside, and on the outside. It is a very good feeling!