March 5, 1992
11:07 pm
Well. What a royal fucking mess your’s truly has made of her life!! I talked to Victor tonight, and he was soo nice to me. He was awful caring which only hurts worse! I wish he would be angry or something, yell, scream, call me names. With him being so nice, it only reminds me of what we are losing here. I had built up such a case of outragedness towards him, so I thought that letting go would be easy, (snap of the fingers.) In reality, letting go will be easy, because I’ve been alone for the past 10 months. But my feelings are fucking up my rationality. Victor was very important to me – he’s my husband! The man I was supposed to build a life with, the man who was supposed to father my children, and love the old and gray me. Toothless and wrinkly. True love, ya know? We went through so much together – he stuck by me, he saw me through. I came to depend on him – emotionally (which I know is self-destructive) but he made me feel loved – he put all of his energy into loving me. It’s gone now, I realize and understand that, but what I can’t grasp is why? While I was talking to Victor tonight, a part of me wanted to yell and scream and the indecency of it all. And hurt him as much as he was hurting me. But another part of me wanted to tell him how I was feeling – the confusion, the unresolved feelings. Tell him how much I wanted to talk this thing through. What was the point of the 2 1/2 years we had, if it ends this way? What happened to the marriage vows?"Til death do you part". I think if Victor was dead, it would be easier to accept, because it wouldn’t leave me feeling like I did something to make him leave me. What’s happening really hit home, I’ve kinda been sticking on the armour and dodging the hurt, but I feel it now. I’m losing my husband. I can’t hate Victor. He’s a coward and he needs to grow up a little bit. But I still love him. The him that I fell in love with, the him that I married. Not the him (Marine) the him he is now. He isn’t my Victor anymore, he’s a Marine. My Victor, in a sense, has died,and I’ll only have my memories. It still hurts though. I feel so alone – I wish somebody would hold me right now. I feel I could freeze to death with this chill inside.