LEARNING THE TRUTH

I’ve loved you and loved you, for years and years

I’m trying so hard to hide the tears

I learned a truth, I thought I forgot

the bitch of it is, forgot I have not

It tortures my dreams, and tears my thoughts

our relationship is on the rocks

I’m trying to forgive, trying to forget

but I need to speak of the pain I have met

the agony that’s tearing me, ripping me apart

it’s a pain that is trying to disengage my heart

From you and your presence, in my life

The knowledge that you did something that wasn’t right

You hurt me and you hurt me bad, the agony I’m now facing

the pain of what you did to me, sends my heart racing

all along I blamed myself, thought I was the filth

and now I find you messed me up, and blamed it on anyone else

but yourself. When it was you who was at fault

I dread telling on you, and having you get caught

but what would happen to you anyway?

They can’t punish you for something you did in the past

The punishment is mine, it’s mine, in my thoughts and dreams

the tears are the thrashing I should have got,

for never standing up for me

It’s the memories and feelings of shame

thinking that I might have been to blame

along with two lost adults in an angry world

who took out their anger on a little girl

that little girl is still inside

she never came out, still she hides

away from the pain, and the feelings of unworth

away from the shame, the crying and the hurt

it’s not something that I’m soon likely to forget

and forgive you? Never! You know I can’t

I can’t look you in the face, look you in the eye

and tell you why I hate you. Why?

Because there’s no me, only the fear

and I’ll have to live with this for years

and cry and cry, and dreams of horror

and maybe someday, a far off tomorrow

I’ll look at myself in the mirror and say

despite your abuse, "I’m okay."