June 30, 1993

June 30, 1993

2:32 pm

More about the subject I started yesterday: Let’s face it, I’m really scared about having this baby! I admit it, but I can see the logical side, I know that child-bearing is not all fun and games and I really am prepared for this, but how am I going to handle it? Millions of women do it, and then do it again, so I don’t really want to give into the temptation to make myself sick with worry over this. If I dwell on this for the next 3 and 1/2 months it’s only gonna make get stressed, so I try not to think about it, but the fear and apprehensiveness is always there in the back of my mind. Maybe my mind will be set at ease once Kevin & I attend lamaze class. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know that having a baby would involve a little pain, but I honestly never thought about it, my single-mindedness was all on conceiving that baby–I kind of have to wonder if I had taken the time to think about the things that having a baby involves, if I would have changed my mind about getting pregnant so soon, or ever? (Forgive me for my disloyal thoughts, Aaron.) Don’t get me wrong, I don’t in any way regret getting pregnant, and I wouldn’t change A THING, but I have to wonder sometimes if my brain fully comprehended the full extent of pregnancy & motherhood. I have done some impulsive things in my life, and I could always change my mind, but I can’t undo this pregnancy, and I can’t just ignore it, SO I think happy thoughts, and wait for the arrival of my child; and worry about the delivery when the time comes. There isn’t much else I can do. Don’t get me wrong, I love and will love this baby, because he is part of me and part of Kevin. And I don’t hold the pain of delivery against the baby, but I am dreading it. Little, tiny, baby. HAPPY THOUGHTS!