June 11, 1993

June 11, 1993

10:40 pm

Well, Kevin and I just went to his friend Missy’s graduation. It was long, hot, and boring! I sat there for almost 2 hours and roasted my ass off! Aaron was being a little shit tonight, he’s kicking really hard, and positioning himself in all the wrong places! OOH! He’s his father’s son is all I can say! At the graduation I saw a few of the people I graduated with, and some of my old teachers and do you know how that made me feel? OLD. Old and FRUMPY. Hell, I’ve only been out of high-school for 4 years, and I’ve been married, divorced, married again, and I am having a baby – I’ve really done ALOT for my TENDER age! Kevin says I seem like I am in a bad mood – I’m not, really, I don’t think. I’m not sure what’s wrong. Last Friday Vicky and I went up to Monson to pick up Bambi and Donnie, and I wanted them to spend the weekend with Kevin and I, because we had told them we would take them camping, but they didn’t get out of school early enough, and this week was K’s vacation, so we wanted to give them a BREAK. Oh, they were AWFUL! Bambi doesn’t act like a 14 year old, she acts like she is 5 or 6! I asked her not to do something, and she just kept doing it anyway – and then when I yelled at her she became all INNOCENT! And Donald had a shitty attitude! They were totally obnoxious, and it was more exhausting watching them then 2 or 3 year olds. Shit, Bambi is fourteen years old, and both Bambi and Donnie seem to believe that I acted the same way that they do now when I was their age (and my mother agrees with this crock) but I started going out with Kevin when I was 15 years old, a year older than Bambi is now, and he assured them that I acted NOTHING like them! I was babysitting them and Donna when I was 10 years old, so don’t give me no shit about how much they are like me!! My problems with Mom didn’t start because of "teenage" stuff, alot of it was because of her involvement with the sexual abuse – in any case, I was royally pissed at my little brother and sister by Sunday, and I couldn’t wait to get rid of them! On Sunday night I wondered if I had been too hard on them, because I didn’t even hug them or say anything nice Saturday night or Sunday. Then I told Kevin a secret about something I had done to Donnie when he was a baby, something I have never told ANYONE else, and I was kind of afraid to tell him, because I was afraid he would think I couldn’t be trusted with our son (boy, that was a helpless feeling.) Then I told him that I was scared that deep down inside I was just like my mother, and I didn’t know HOW to be the kind of parent that I wish to be. Because ALL I know is violence, and I need to LEARN to be a gentle and loving mother. I need to learn how to let my baby know he is loved.