January 31, 2009

it’s been a little while since i have written–a few months short of a year. i have been keeping a paper journal, and i thought on the one that i am keeping right now, that i might transfer that into this journal, so that i have the record of it. i have bad news…..yesterday a man from the department of human services showed up at our door. apparently the school is at it again. they have reported me to DHS several times in the past, and a few of those reports have resulted in a worker coming out to investigate. i should be used to it by now, but i’m not, and it affects me the same way each time i see one of them. so, this morning i wrote a poem about how i am feeling about the whole situation. it has no title, but here it is:

 

Feeling helpless

hopeless within

every time they come

it’s a punch on the chin

 

Are you normal?

apparently not

let’s just examine

all the faults I’ve got

 

Am I a good parent?

again, I say no

my children hate me

why? I don’t know

 

What do I have

to prove to them

I am trying

the best that I can

 

I guess my life

is a testament to

the fact that I

am a total boob

 

I’m trying, I am

I try every day

I’m failing this course

I’m afraid to say

 

If my children hate me

enough to tell

that I did something

I didn’t, well,

 

What does that say

about me as a mom?

I didn’t, I couldn’t

I’m causing them harm

 

Everything I say

everything I do

I’m starting to feel

there is no use

 

No reason to try

no reason to care

all of this shit

gets me nowhere

 

So I’ll shut myself off

to care, I cannot

won’t open myself

to any more rot

 

If they thought I was cold

I’m an iceberg now

won’t give them ammunition

and focus how

 

I can get through these years

without being torn apart

sink or swim

and learn the art

 

Of not caring, not feeling

not showing myself

not being a target

put my thoughts on a shelf

 

And when it is over

I can look back and say

I wasn’t a mother

but I made out okay