January 2, 1994 (part 2)
December (oops!) January 2, 1993 (oops!) 1994
9:36 pm
I met a I saw a woman at Reny’s today that I met way back when I started working at Reny’s in 1990 (she was pregnant I remember when she was pregnant, and her little girl will be 3 years old in May! She and I got to talking, and she said if I ever need some support or company, he church did something called "church families" it’s just a group of people who attend the church and she said that these people sometimes care more for you than then than your own family. She just said they meet on Saturdays. and since I work,She said she would drop in She said she works Sundays, but if she had a day off she would "pop" in and say "hi". She goes to the 7th Adventist Church – what religion is that? I was baptized when I was a baby (so my mother says) (I don’t remember it) an but I’ve never followed the religion so maybe it’s time to check out some new ways. Who knows. I did something really bad today. 2 things. I wanted a pair of jeans really bad, (something about the jeans improving how I look & feel) so they had a price tag of 19.99 and I marked them down to 5.00 and bought them. Then their w there was a knit vest (and I have wanted one for a VERY long time) and so I put the vest on under my shirt, and brought it home. And I am even gonna wear the jeans and the vest when I see Trudy on Tuesday. I told Kevin that I stold the vest, and he said that I didn’t have to be afraid of asking him for something I want. It wasn’t even that, because I could have put the vest on layaway and got it in a week or two, but I had to have it. NOW. I scare myself sometimes – I want to do what is right and good, but I can’t resist the urge when I think I can get away with it. And I think I can’t enjoy the things I take because I KNOW it’s WRONG – but how to stop? I was actually hoping today that I would get caught so the charade would be up. But do I really expect people to UNDERSTAND if I get caught shoplifting? Truthfully – yes. Trudy understands. Kevin understands. Am I above the law? I’m hiding behind my "past" to give an "excuse". If Kevin said that if repulsed him and if I kept it up…..gee – would it even bother me? I guess knowing me, it would only "add fuel to the fire". Isn’t there any "in-between" with me? For God’s sakes – why do I do these things?! And why do I admit it? I guess maybe – no I definately want to stop stealing – but I CANNOT. I’d like to rip up this journal entry because it ruins that "good girl" image I try so hard to make people believe. Honesty hurts. Thinking of it now, I know that it is wrong in other people’s eyes – but to me it’s not bad except how other people look at it.
I give up. I’m tired of keeping a journal and driving myself NUTS with things I don’t understand. I give up on therapy too. (I haven’t taken my Zoloft for 3 days. And I’m fine, so I really don’t need anti-depressants.) I could really kill for a Dew right now. I figured out a perfect punishment for Maret. I took all of her hates: 1. claustrophobia 2. can’t swim 3. fear of being alone *aren’t those mine?* and I combined them into a major PUNISHMENT. If I could do something to Maret (it couldn’t be anything physical, because she would probably ENJOY THAT) I’d put her in the middle of the Atlantic on a piece of corkboard about the size of a manhole cover – flimsy – but strong enough to hold her up (so she can’t rest – she has to stand at "attention") the corkboard would hold her up until all the guilt pressing on her shoulders weighed her down and she sunk to the bottom knowing her life would soon be over. Then what is to be my punishment? Her punishment wouldn’t really bother me because I know it would have to end sometime. (Is that the thought process that got me through the past?)
I’M SO SICK OF THIS!!!
I’m gonna go take a sleeping pill and try to get some sleep before Kevin gets home. Hopefully Aaron will sleep all night. For some reason I feel like crying! Please make this end. I’m so tired of hurting and thinking and analyzing and talking about it – and LIVING.