February 13, 1992

8:31 pm

I’m feeling really restless tonight for some reason. I was looking at my pictures, deciding it was time to get rid of all the memories. I came across mine and Victor’s wedding pictures. Was it all for nothing? Saying the vows, placing the rings on each others fingers? What in the hell did it all mean? Victor says he doesn’t know why he married me. Asshole! That means all the things he’s ever said to me have been lies. I’m really confused right now. 1/2 of the time I feel rejected and worthless, and 1/2 the time I am glad I have a chance to do something with my life. What I mean to say is, now that  I look back on it, our marriage really was a little strained. I depended on Victor entirely too much and I wasn’t really my own person until he went away. Now I’m an individual, and I have to realize – I’m okay. And I don’t need a man to make me feel like somebody – now, I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice to have someone special, but, I won’t shrivel up and die if I am alone. I’m surprising myself by taking this divorce so well. Victor was a good mate, and I will never forget the time we spent together – but it’s time to say goodbye to him and his memory.

"Goodbye Victor, I will miss the love that we shared, and the way you made me feel. It’s time to get on with my life, and let you live yours."

I had lunch with Dona Lovely today, and we had a nice conversation. I told her about Kevin and she said he sounded like a good person. I told her I didn’t want to determine how I felt about him yet, because  I don’t want to fall in love with him on the "rebound". Ya know? Suddenly it has become very important to me that I don’t hurt Kevin. I confessed to Dona that I was sick and tired of Marty’s insinuations about Kevin and I getting really serious, and Marty’s spreading rumors, and Dona told me what I did was my business, and even if I chose to see, date, or even sleep with Kevin, there’s nothing wrong with it, because I am "separated". I don’t feel like such a big "heel" now. It’s been almost a month now, and Victor hasn’t called or written. It’s really over, isn’t it?