February 11, 1992

11:24 am

Well, here it is, another wonderful, beautiful day. Oh Lord, I spent the night with Kevin again. I told him last night that I didn’t want to love him, because I couldn’t go through this pain again, and he said he would never leave me. But how can I be sure? Victor told me the same thing, and now he’s leaving me. I know I shouldn’t judge Kevin on my husband’s actions, but this hurt is new to me. It’s hard to know that I won’t be "left" again. Ya know? He can tell me that he’s gonna be there 10,000 times, but I don’t know if I can believe it or not. Tomorrow, it will be 3 weeks that I have known about my divorce – and it still hurts. I wish Victor would hurry up and get this thing over with! Where I loved him, he’s hurt me so bad, that I just want him out of my life as soon as possible. I’ve thought about what would happen if he called me and said he wanted to give it another chance. No dice. I may be an "evil" person by being "unfaithful", but what kind of person would I be if I took him back, and set myself up for this hurt again? I’d be an idiot – Okay, all that hard and cynical stuff may have been a "smoke screen", because I didn’t want to admit that it hurt, but that makes you vunerable. I don’t feel my peace of mind and happiness should be at the snap of someone else’s fingertips. This is my life and from now on I don’t want to rely on anyone but myself!