December 30, 1993
December 30, 1993
8:55 pm
I did it, I wrote a letter to my mother (I was sending her some pictures for her and Bambi + Donald.) It was a FACTUAL letter, and both Trudy + Kevin said that it was a well written letter. Trudy asked me what my expectations were – NONE REALLY. I know Maret enough to know that curiousity will propel her to read the letter, but how she will react is a little harder to predict. My guess says that she will write me a nasty reply – I’m curious what she has to say about my standing up to her, and placing all of the blame on her. I also sent her the letter that I wrote at the beginning of therapy (11/17). Right to the point + down right accusatory. I wish that Donald was still alive so that I could send them a DUAL letter, but I honestly think I would be scared of HIS reaction. (I’m a little apprehensive about Maret’s reaction, but at least I know she can’t hurt me, physically anyway.) But part of me knows that if I pushed Donald, he would get violent. (I wonder if Donald was still alive, if I would be able to be going through this therapy?) I wonder if the reason that I "push" my husband so much, is to make up for the loss of violence in my life? I guess it’s all tied up with that "thing" about my having to have chaos going on around me all the time.
Somebody just said "water will seek it’s own level" on television, and Kevin always says that about my mother + her husband. I wonder what that TRULY means? If things are still and quiet, I have so MUCH TIME to think and drive myself nuts about everything. The "Public Health Nurse" is stopping by tomorrow about 11:00 am or so – so I cleaned the whole entire house (except for our bedroom). Maybe if I had visitors everyday, my house would stay AT LEAST presentable.
I had a strange dream last night, I can’t remember ANY of it, but I keep getting a picture of some kind of "room" and maybe a person (man? boy?) was somewhere beside me – I think I was trying to get away? I told Trudy about Kevin + my plans to renew our wedding vows, she said she thought that it was a "lovely" idea, and by summer, I should be ready for something that "heavy", and she also said that if I wanted to her to come, she would be there – IF she was given good directions. IF I was to Kevin and I decided to invite anyone, (besides Aaron) it would have to be ONLY people that I feel comfortable with. So far that equals Lena Crosby and Trudy. I am good friends with Steve + Leanne Clifford, but I put myself in the front of that church, and I don’t relish the idea of having them look at my back (NO TRUST) or Vicky and Randy Haskell, Vicky insults EVERYTHING about me, and I just don’t want to ruin this for Kevin and I. (I screwed it up the "first" time by "rushing" and "not thinking things through" – so I’ll take my time and make it enjoyable for me and my family. But would it be "just" to only invite 2 people (what do you think Trudy?) Because we aren’t doing this to "put on a show" for other people, we’re doing it for US – and Lena has been my closest friend for over 3 years and I’m not quite clear on what she means to me, but I know she means alot to me. And Trudy means alot to me – she helps me "discover" hidden traits of mine own, get through discoveries of heartaches, and likes me as me. And I can SEE that, and appreciate it for what it is. And, sitting here and pondering it, I TRUST TRUDY. Deep within my emotions and logistics–she’s the positive woman infuence in my life, who doesn’t ask anything of me, but h my hard work towards rec my recovery. And I don’t EXPECT anything from her, except guidance through my recovery. I feel that I am getting stronger little by little, and I feel somewhat confident that I can get myself through difficult times but it’s really a relief to know that Trudy is there SHOULD I need her. Like tonight, when I needed an opinion about sending the letter to Maret, and I just basically needed to reassure myself that she was still there. I trust Trudy, but I guess I don’t trust her place in my life (everyone that’s ever meant something to me has left in one way or another.)
RE:
Maret – who was supposed to be there as my mother – "walked out on me" emotionally.
Donald – walked out on me emotionally before I ever really got a chance to get to let him become someone important – so why does he mean so it hurt so much? Did I ever really care?
Grandma Turner – "walked out on me" by never letting herself get close to me.
Grandpa Turner – "walked out on me" when he offered himself to me.
Victor Fernald – walked out on me by not understanding me, and giving up.
Amy Sue Buckley – "walked out on me" when she shut down all her emotions and "gave up" on life.
I’m sitting here, and do you know that I don’t like myself! Why? (Tough one Amy Sue.) Because…..I am not normal. I can’t stand up for myself. I let Maret and Donald abuse me – I never said no–I accepted money and trinkets for in return for performing oral sex on Donald. (I have a pin that says "my heart belongs to Kevin" that I wanted "real" bad, so Maret said she would buy it for me if I went upstairs and
put myself in that living-room – all excited because I was getting my pin – I don’t think nothing of going upstairs (blank "feeling" – feel nothing) up the stairs 10 or 12 stairs – feel nothing still – open his door – lights are off – he is laying in their double bed (it is placed in the middle of the floor) hook the lock – hestitate a moment "he we go again" I WANT TO RUN FROM THAT ROOM! BUT WHERE IN THE HELL WOULD I GO? Maret would be waiting downstairs for a report – I REPORTED BECAUSE I HAD TO and I always did it with a smile! BACK TO THAT ROOM. Burning in my chest – always hated to be alone in that room with him – when will it be over? The worst was having to do it when he was drunk, because if he couldn’t get it up it was my fault. And I would have to spend hours with him until he either got SATISFIED or TIRED. Blocked him out – he was always smiling, and acting like what we were doing was perfectly normal! ALWAYS WANTED TO TOUCH ME WHEN WE WERE ALONE TOGETHER. (OH MY GOD! I feel that way a
bout Kevin if we are in a room and he comes near me, I automatically assume "it’s" gonna happen!) There wasn’t always (sexual) sexual things, but if he was close to me IMPLYING that this was his right, he was invading my space. Violating my privacy. And I never knew this to be, until I started probing these feelings! I can’t for the life of me recount what happened in that room that night! Guess I still have awhile to go. Now that I have brought this all up, I’m feeling something – but I can’t identify it. Icky. Nauseous. SAD. used. lonely – like I can’t share this feeling with anyone in the world. I was so callous that I could do my "duty" with Donald, and then talk on the phone with Kevin and act like nothing was wrong at all. Kevin knew me really well, and even he couldn’t tell when something bad happened. I guess I really was good at hiding and keeping the "SECRET."
IT’S SECRET NO LONGER!
HEY WORLD – I WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD.