December 26, 1993

December 26, 1993

5:50 pm

Aaron is sitting in his swing talking + crying at the same time, and he’s irritating me. I love him right to death BUT HE BUGS ME! He looks at me with such love, and I am his very existance! It’s a really AWESOME feeling, but quite a responsibility – a really big burden when you’re trying to concentrate on the baby’s needs + well-being, and your needs + well-being. I honestly wouldn’t know what my life would be like without my son, so why can’t I just love him and accept him, and NOT HAVE THESE NEGATIVE FEELINGS!?

I’m sick + tired of analyzing everything I do, say, think, and feel!

6:02 pm

There’s something I have to write about, but I’m not sure how to say it, but I can’t sort it out in my head unless I write it out. Earlier today I bugged and bugged Kevin until he agreed to take me to Kmart to look at some sweatpants, and when they didn’t have what I was looking for, I asked him to take me to another store. When I found out they had what I wanted, I didn’t have the money! Damn!

10:59 pm

My hand is quite sore – I used it A LOT this morning. Kevin + I dragged the headboard down to the junk pile, and the old alarm clock (Kevin got me a new alarm clock radio for xmas) this other alarm clock belonged to my ex-husband, MARET GAVE IT TO HIM for HIS birthday (because I threw Victor’s other one against a wall, and broke it.) I wound the cord around my hand this morning, and slammed that alarm clock so hard, that it shattered into a million pieces, and all  I l was left holding was the cord! I would have pulverized the headboard, but I was afraid once I started, I would never be able to stop! (Loss of control) I had visions of me CRYING + CRYING – and literally "losing it." What happens when I actually let go of this "?" ? Gotta stop, Aaron is hungry.

11:14 pm

Aaron is busy "feasting" and Mama is nearly having a fit! There is something that keeps "thumping" on the side of the trailor and I have *CAUTIOUSLY* scoped the front of the house, and the back of the house (there it goes again!) The wind is something fierce out there, so MORE THAN LIKELY it is only the shutters slamming in the wind. I was tempted to load the rifle, and go outside, but (3) things stopped me. 1. I know that realistically Aaron + I are not in any danger, because Gail would bark at anyone in the yard, and Frenchy’s dog across the street barks at ANY and all passer-bys, and strangers. 2. I ‘m scared of the dark, and 3. I’m scared of me! I’ve never fired a gun at anything but a Pepsi bottle (blew a hole in that sucker!) If I panicked I would probably SHOOT BEFORE I THOUGHT – and I DON’T TRUST MYSELF! All that together makes a dangerous combo – and so common sense prevented me from loading the gun. (And now ALL is quiet.) Glad I didn’t "jump the gun!"

Earlier Kevin and I had a slight disagreement. It all started when I got "overwhelmed" by a feeling of dread about going home. So I ASKED HIM if I could take a ride to Newport. (The roads are REALLY bad, so I could see his DISAPPROVAL and he said if I went, Aaron was staying home. (Almost was that irrational Amy, again, who wanted to RUN AWAY.) Too dark for a walk, didn’t feel like SOCIALIZING, so I sat in my chair, and tried to write about it, but the words just wouldn’t come! Hence the picture.) It’s kinda of I guess it says what I can’t find the words for JUST YET.

11:47 pm

I was just lying here and thinking (whoa, might set the bed on fire!) Do you know how I look at this trailer? It’s just a place where I am "staying." I haven’t quite reached that "plateau" that most adults reach, and can take pride in their HOME.