December 25, 1993
December 25, 1993
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
(1:41 pm)
I’m playing a video tape of MY son, and when it has run it’s course, I have mega-housework to do. Bummer. I had a major tussle with a 12 pound turkey a few minutes ago, and I came out the VICTOR! That bird is now residing in my oven, in my blue roasting pan. I would have asked Kevin to help me with the bird, but the poor guy is VERY SICK. He thinks he is ruining my christmas, but it is just another day to me. And he said he felt like he was "using me" because he wants ginger-ale and he is laying in bed – he’s sick – I really don’t mind getting things for him! (He takes care of me when I’m sick – I’d like to be here for him.) I felt really bad because I didn’t get Kevin any xmas presents – so today – (when he sent Aaron + I out for some ginger-ale) Baby and Momma picked out some presents for Daddy. I was two dollars short, and the cashier said I was close enough, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO FELLOW! This morning I took a walk (the snow seemed to be inviting me.) So I took our dog Gail and took off down the road. NOTE: Ever since Kevin and I brought Gail home (we got her a year + ½ ago: as a puppy.) I have *subconciously* disliked her, because she takes all of my husband’s attention. But today, I walked along with her, and she didn’t annoy me like she usually does. She come up and jumped on me, and I just hugged her. (Am I becoming a softy? NOT A CHANCE.) As I walked I kinda enjoyed myself, until I started thinking, and then I realized that if was looking at everyone’s houses, and there were xmas trees in the windows and they were all (the families) in nice cozy houses – TOGETHER, and here I was out in the cold ALONE. Then I realized that if it wasn’t for Kevin + Aaron, I’d be all alone! NO FAMILY-NO FRIENDS. Do you think this feeling is partially *reminiscent* of holidays past? Always feeling like an outsider and alone EVEN IN THE MIDST of my "family of origin". Believe it or not, even though Aaron + Kevin + I are a family, I don’t FEEL like we are. I almost feel as if we are "play-acting". I can’t explain that feeling right now, but I know I can FEEL it. Everything seems really fake since I got back yesterday. I drank a bottle of wine yesterday afternoon trying to erase the way I was feeling – when we got to Reny’s I didn’t want to speak to anyone or "deal" with anyone – But everyone wanted to stop + talk–Kevin just kept saying Goodbye to everyone so I didn’t have to talk long.
2:09 pm
Then Kevin took me up to see Beth, and she was totally agreeable to my seeing Trudy and Dr. Tisher, and she let me know that her and her supervisor decided that since I’m gonna have my BAD TIMES, maybe it would take too much of Beth’s energy to "deal with me". (Beth has an allergy illness). After I said my piece, Beth said that maybe sometimes I would want to call her for a "session" – NOT! Then she asked me if she could have a hug! That really bothered me – because – I really don’t know why it irked me/I just know it did. Then as we headed to our place, a kind of DREAD filled me. So when we got home (great world word) Kevin threw the headboard out, and we christened our new sheets, and then I had overwhelming emotions, so I had a few drinks. (Not the solution? It worked really well last night.) It’s only 8:00 pm and for some reason I am extremely tired. I’M LOSING TRACK OF MY THOUGHTS.
December 26, 1993 5:45 pm
I just had the weirdest very. Kevin and I were on our way to our place, and I asked him if he minded if we went to Newport.
December 26, 1993 5:48 pm
This morning Aaron is l sitting in his swing.