December 24, 1993

December 24, 1993

6:56 pm

Christmas Eve!

Kevin is sleeping on the couch beside me, and I don’t feel alone, even though he is sleeping – HE’S CLOSE. We took the headboard off the bed, and Kevin threw it out the door (it splintered and broke.) It felt good to watch it "crack" but – It also felt like I was doing something bad.

Kevin and tried out the "Norplant" implant – hopefully it works. I discussed it with my husband, and if per chance I BECOME pregnant after the baby is born – I am having my TUBES TIED! NO MORE BABIES! But I won’t jump the gun, I’m gonna wait until I am 4-5 weeks late, before I call Dr. Buchanon. Trudy – I have a confession to make (may be the only time that I can admit it) Tonight I drank a LITTLE ALCOHOL. (A whole bottle of Boone’s thirst country kwencher.) (That’s really how it’s spelled.) and a bottle of 12 oz Bud Dry Draft. I am being honest here, I keep hoping that if I get DRUNK figuritively figuritively speaking) I can lose the control that I can’t so easily "let go". (Somewhere in the back of my mind.) Kevin is very sober, and very protective.

I LOVE MY MATE!!

God please help me to remember that when times get tough (and rough.) But Kevin and I are a family (along with Aaron) and WE BELONG TOGETHER! I went down the Reny’s and picked up my paycheck + I felt extremely OVERWHELMED! Wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Felt like everybody was watching me. Like I was a "sick person." Kevin (bless his heart) told me that I could quit Reny’s and he would support any decision I made. It seemed like a really cool idea (giving the way I was feeling) NO RESPONSIBILITIES. (I seem to be hung up on the "Freedom" thing.) But I seem to hop in and out of wanting to work + stay home – so I’m gonna keep my job and if it gets too much for me to handle, in 2 or 3 months, then I’ll reconsider working part-time. That’s all for now. Gotta go – sleep beckons.