December 18, 1993
December 18, 1993
3:00 am
Woke up because I had a bloody nose – nurses probably thought I was over-reacting but I’ve never had a bloody nose in my life before! I also made a bottle for Aaron – I know he’s gonna wake up – and even though I’m already awake – I COMPLETELY dread the thought of the actually feeding – and the more I think of it, the more madder I get! Logically I know it’s not Aaron I’m mad at, but I FEEL anger, and it seems to be directed at the baby. Don’t like the feeling this way – why don’t I love my baby all of the time like other mothers?! Time seems to just drag by – how come I feel perfectly fine during the day-light hours? It seems to be extremely worse during the night. In the daytime I get this way after Aaron has already frazzled my nerves – at night I set myself up to be angry before he even gives me a reason! Poor kid has a fucked up mother! I tried to think about how I feel about Kevin but a huge metal wall came slamming down in my heart and it felt so HEAVY! Believe it or not, I am kinda glad for this break. I don’t have to deal with Kevin + his feelings. (Will deprevation change my feelings only because I am lonely?) I’m gonna call Kevin (why?) just to make sure that he is okay because I know he is really hurting.
(After call)
I felt so bad about not saying "I Love You" to Kevin, but I have made a vow to myself not to say it until I mean it – it seems to be there, but hiding.
7:03 am
Kevin stopped by to see Aaron, and it helped to think I was dis not expected to be ANYTHING to Kevin – he was just here to see his son. (Kevin is keeping his distance – really helps.) He’s only staying ½ hour. I was looking at him tending to Aaron and I started to get really angry – why? Can’t figure it out, but I recognized it, and "quelled" it before I started "the cyclone".
*Talk to Trudy about insurance. Where do I go from here?
6:13 pm
I asked Trudy about insurance, and she said we would work something out. (I’m under the assumption that Trudy is gonna continue to work with me after I get out of the hospital.) I’m bored! Help.
7:50 pm
My hand is killing me! It’s gotten worse in the past week! (Using other subjects to keep my mind off "real issues?) Kevin called, wanted to say he loved me – I wrote it to him earlier, I felt good writing it but I couldn’t really "say" it. But as long as I feel good writing it, it’s okay – right? I’m not gonna see Kevin until Monday afternoon – I’m not sure how that makes me feel – sadistic it sounds I kinda like it! Doo Doo-Doo Doo-Doo Doo-Doo Doo – Dum!