December 17, 1993

December 17, 1993

Kevin is here in the hospital room with me…..10:08½ pm

Kevin has been on an emotional roller-coaster since this is all began – but I have been on one 1000 times worse – I just can’t deal with Kevin’s emotions along with my own. Trudy said something about my always creating chaos so that I am angry at something instead of letting myself feeling any pain or hurt, and Kevin is an object to focus all of that anger on. So, Trudy’s suggestions was that Kevin not see me so much. Ouch. Trudy went so far as to say that if Aaron wasn’t here with me that she would say I needed to be alone for a week.

That kind of hurts, knowing that Kevin cannot spend any time with Aaron, because of me. He said he feels cheated – (he’s taking Aaron Monday night.) (I want to grow my hair.) I want to give up this therapy stuff, because I am sure it doesn’t work. I am sure that nothing will ever take these feelings away. I guess I am scared – shit, I’m scared to death! It’s a journey I’m gonna embark on, without the slightest idea of where it’s gonna end. That’s a scary thought. It’s never gonna end. Never! Block those thoughts Amy. That’s always been my solution. Why not now?

11:21 pm

Just did the imagery that Trudy did with me earlier by myself. Got to that door and felt that burning – but strangely enough in the LOWER ½ of my body. I actually DID reach out to open that door, and sort of saw myself do a "triple-take" and then when the door finally opened, all I saw was like a huge blob with a giant eyeball, and I had to laugh!