December 16, 1993
December 16, 1993
12:25 am
I’m so "pumped up" that I’m having difficulty sleeping. Shit. I think I had a breakthrough today – I was really hurting about my past. Acknowledging the fact that I was hurting down really deep – this is after I stopped hating and blaming Kevin. Beth asked me who I was really mad at, and I couldn’t answer because it was like she was demanding an answer NOW! and I was so confused and frustrated that I just wanted to jump out of the chair and get away.
2:47 pm
I think I’m gonna get my hair cut. Kevin doesn’t want me to, but I think that a change is in order. (Since I can’t divorce him I might as well rebel against him.) I’m gonna be staying in the hospital – get some help – Kevin doesn’t understand, he says he doesn’t see why I can’t go to Beth and "fix" everything. Well, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Jeez – If everything works out right, Aaron should be able to stay with me. (I was kinda hoping to have a few days to myself.)
5:45 pm
Kevin just took Aaron for the night. I wanta cry – because it was so sad to watch my baby go and look at me. I can’t cry. Dr. Tisher and Trudy are coming up for a visit a little later. I feel alone and abandoned right now. It’s so quiet I can’t even think. I have a cot in my room, and I chased Kevin down the hall wanting him to "what"? Maybe stay with me because I am scared. I’m trying to think of all the things I can do tonite because I am alone, and I thought I really wanted some time away from Aaron – but I miss him dammit. It’s so empty in this freaken room!
6:38 pm
Dr. Tisher was just in and I feel like such a fake! Maybe it’s because he looks at me funny – or makes me feel *small + inconsequential*. I want my baby! Kevin is the enemy right now because HE took Aaron away from me. Hanging on to Kevin for the wrong reasons?! Damn, it’s so quiet in here that all there is to do is write = think.
7:55 pm
Trudy was here for almost an hour talking to me, and I don’t feel any different. So great is my life. It’s kind of nice to be here alone without the baby (I refuse to feel guilty about wanting some time alone.) Problem is that I do feel guilty. Damn. I thought this hospital business was a good idea, but I have serious doubts about that now. I really feel out of place here.
8:55 pm
I just called Kevin and asked him if he would bring Aaron back tonight, but he said that he was too tired to drive. OK – I’ll give him that. He also taked to his father who suggested Kevin annul our divor marriage. Jeezus! I’m not sure how I feel about Kevin right now–I would like to have him here, but if he was here I would wish he was gone – I need some STRAIGHT thinking here! Marriage is like this really big overwhelming sense of responsibility that I’m just not ready to face right now. I’m not ready to be at someone’s beck & call – I’m not really able to respond to Kevin physically or emotionally right now – I want to be able to "call the shots". Selfish? Maybe. Trudy claims that I am not being selfish, but this is a normal course of events for someone who has lived the kind of life that I have. (I still feel as though I am "faking" this, just feeling "sorry for myself".) As thought I am taking up space that I really don’t belong in. I told Trudy that I saw myself as a block of wood – no curves just edges–rough & sharp edges. Hard and impenetrable.
I think I’m getting myself really depressed here. Poem Frenzy. Poem Frenzy.
Isn’t it weird that in a place where it is safe for me to let go – I can’t (for fear that someone will see.)
9:45 pm
I called Beth and talked to her. She thinks that I made a wise decision in admitting myself to the hospital. Yeah, right. The thought occured to me that while I’m here I have no worries, so I can just settle down and relax – but do you think I’d take my own advice? Why should I, I don’t know what I’m talking about.
11:10 pm
It’s almost tomorrow! I’m not letting myself go to sleep – or even relax. I want to go home! I’m listening to some heebie-jeebie shit on the television-radio (sounds like a theme for a walk through a mental ward.) Ah – my kind of music! Ding Ding – I feel that hopeless mood coming on – don’t really care about anything right now. I WANT TO SCREAM! I feel extremely trapped. I wonder what would happen if I walked out the door? Where would I go? I’d just start walking.