December 14, 1993 (part 2)

December 14, 1993

5:23 pm

Aaron’s Daddy has him right now, because Mommer is slightly agitated. I’m kinda still thinking about what Beth means to me. I look forward to seeing her every week, and sometimes I need to see her in between times – maybe cause she seems to understand. I usually feel pretty comfortable with Beth – I’ve expressed emotions to her NEVER shared with any other woman, + today I got the feeling that what I was telling her was "turning her off". She said I was NOT phasing her a bit, but her ATTITUDE seemed different. Last time I saw both Kevin and Beth together, I felt like I was "in control" because I was angry at Kevin, and that meeting’s outcome seemed to be up to me – I was quite agitated, so my feelings weren’t so easily hurt. Today things were fine between my husband and I, so I felt as if Beth and Kevin were working against me to figure out what was "wrong" with me. Can’t I ever just be happy with who + what I am?

I think I AM relying on Beth too much. But she said it was okay, for right now. I almost feel as if what Beth says is "law", because she seems so have the answers. She makes sense. She listens. I think she cares. She asked me if I thought of her as a "mother figure" but I HAVE a mother, I DON’T need another one. A friend? What is a true friend anyway? No, she’s my counselor, my woman authority. I’m hinging my hopes that she will be able to help me "fix" this. I’m not sure if I trust her or not. Possibly.

I’m continuing my thoughts about my session with Beth today. I fell as if when I told her about wanting the ring and stealing the wallet – she was thinking I was – how do I want to say this? – A bad person? A thief? I don’t know – maybe I felt she was looking at me through my own eyes.

OH I AM GETTING DEEP! PROFOUND! IN TUNE! WICKED SMART! A-YUH.

I also told her I was worried about possibly being pregnant! Oh christ yes. Tomorrow I am going to have a "Norplant" done so Kevin + I won’t have to worry about a "surprise baby." I’m a little nervous about getting the procedure done, but in the long ti run it will be worth it. Beth also told me to write about what marriage meant to me.

*After writing a butt-load of poems*

I feel as if somehow those poems are "fake". Like the words are just skimming off my head with no feelings.