December 14, 1993

December 14, 1993

10:30 pm

I’m here in my bedroom trying to figure out what to do because I am bored and extremely agitated. (Damn pen leaks!) I’d be writing in my journal but I’m just too lazy to get off my ass and go out into the living-room to retrieve it. I just snapped at Kevin because he’s sleeping and I CAN’T GET TO SLEEP! I’m getting very obsessive about poems, GOTTA STOP IT. Good therapy though. I have a bad headache, and a stomachache that just came on all of a sudden. OK – I’ve tried reading a book, I’ve tried watching t.v., I’ve tried just laying here quietly, but my wonderful husband is snoring LOUDLY – the rain is pounding on the roof, the clock is ticking really loudly and I keep straining my ears to see if Aaron is crying. It’s 10:45 and all is not well. I think it’s bothering me that everything is bothering me – does that make sense? I guess in a way that it does because I’m doing feeling work here, and that’s a "feeling." Will this ever end? I mean, will I ever be able to get mad or upset and have it not be so extreme? Right now if I get upset or mad, I’m immediately ready to give up, and if I’m happy or excited I think everything is all "cured". See, extremes. going through a real "range" of emotions tonight. I came to bed because I felt tired. (I still do, but I seem to be too "wound" to settle down.) But I also felt a physical yearning for my husband. I never said anything to Kevin about these feelings but when he came to bed I guess HE was feeling "physical" because he wanted to hug + touch – so I immediately turned off. I said to Kevin that I wanted to make love but I was worried about being pregnant, so I said I didn’t want to worry but I wanted to do it and pretty soon I was just about screaming the words and Kevin tried to pull me close but I pulled away really fast – curled my legs up to me and pushed my hands against his chest. There must have been something in my eyes, because a hurt look went across Kevin’s face and then he turned his back to the wall and my feelings were hurt, because I felt he was avoiding me! Now I’m pissed off at him because he is sleeping and not talking to yours truly. I’m almost out of paper here and that’s not good. (I’ve been in a writing frenzie all night.) I’ve been writing for ½ hour straight but

*edit*

I guess that is where I stopped, because there is no more entries anywhere that I can find.