December 14, 1993

December 14, 1993

10:15 am

Just left my baby with Vicky – I know she’ll take good care of him, but I can’t help but worry. I love him, and leaving him is NOT EASY.

12:21 pm

Just had a session with Beth. Last one with Kevin FOR NOW. Really feel more comfortable with seeing Beth alone. She told me to think about what she means to me. Later.

Kevin + I are at Annie’s having lunch, and I kinda feel guilty for leaving Aaron longer than we HAVE to, but it’s a "sweet taste of freedom." Vicky said we needn’t pay her for babysitting, but sometime I think I’ll give her something. Maybe not, because she really pissed me off this morning! She said Aaron wouldn’t miss me because he was with her! Fuck her! NOBODY CAN REPLACE "MOMMER" TO AARON! I know that realistically, but emotionally her words "struck a chord".

I’m currently struggling with two issues. One, I am a compulsive person – it comes out in my "compulsive shopping" and theivery – Thievary.

Kevin has me in a silly mood. 🙂

THEIVARY ("I" before "E")

THIEVARY.

3:20 pm

That "thievary" is a subject that I never even considered until one of my co-workers got fired for stealing, and it occured to me that I could be caught and fired. Ouch. It really isn’t even worth little $5-$10 items! To lose someone’s trust to have a "black mark" against me, and the GUILT! Wondering if everytime my boss or one of the other workers look at me, they are thinking I am such a thief! It drove me so nuts that I had to "test the waters" and see if my boss mentioned anything – she said she was gonna keep me on weekends permanently–(there was a question about whether there would be space for me.) Yes! I got lucky, I wasn’t caught THIS TIME – I’m making a promise to myself that I WILL NOT keif anything else. Objects are NOT gonna take away my life’s problems, it will only COMPLICATE things.

I have decided that I’m gonna send Maret a x-mas portrait (just to cover my ass) and I’m toying with the idea of writing an accompanying letter. But what would I say? *Dear Maret: Here is a portrait of MY family. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Special "hello" to Bambi & Donnie. I’m sorry you feel the way you do about my therapy, but it’s something that I need to do for a good + healthy relationship between my husband and I, and my son + I.* That is a very polite letter, it isn’t HOW I want to say WHAT I want to say. I read over a letter that I wrote a couple of weeks ago (when I started therapy) and I’m not ready to send that one either. O-well. No, I think I only want to send her a letter to make her "share" the hurt and turmoil I am feeling through all of this!