December 13, 1993 *warning, might trigger*
December 13, 1993
12:26 pm
How do I feel today. All-right. Kevin is in the bedroom sleeping – Aaron is sleeping. Should I be sleeping? What do I want to say in my vows? And REALLY mean it – I can’t write them without MEANING what I say. Tough one Amy Sue.
At this moment my "minds eye" is looking at my present surroundings, but it’s seeing those "long ago" surroundings. The trailor that we lived in for a few years. The trailor in which my step-father had a bed in the living-room and whenever Maret would go out or GO TO BED (she probably "got off" thinking about what we were doing in the living-room!)
HOW? HOW? HOW! How can a mother stand to think that someone was doing shit like that to her daughter (or any child!) I would KILL anyone who even looked at Aaron and THOUGHT about touching my child.
Anyway, he would have me lay on top of him and rub MY GENITALS against HIS GENITALS. I wonder why I never said "no" – in a way I liked it. The physical part anyway. (OH, HOW EMBARRASSING!) I wonder if I ever told him I like it, and in his mind that made it okay? I can’t remember.
I have the *physical* feelings of wanting to put a barrier between words about my son (and those words are full of love) – and words about THAT MAN! Burning in my body just below my ribs – this feeling is actually physically uncomfortable! If you’re wondering why I write different thoughts in different colors, I think it is because different colors signify different subjects, feelings, EMPHASIS.
BACK TO BASICS.
Ok, I’m gonna give myself ONE subject to really "work on" today, and think about it extensively–and let all the other thoughts just kind of FLOAT by.
THOUGHTS OF COMPARISON BETWEEN KEVIN MICHAEL DUREN + MARET McCLURE.
This whole page is gonna be "dedicated" to comparisons and feelings. OK, how do I start?
*When I think about KMD…..I am a little scared of losing Kevin and what we have, but I am trying to "push him away" so I feel I’m gonna lose him anyway. Maybe I feel a warm feeling – closeness that’s always there if I want it. But I almost feel as if a weight is pressing down on my shoulders just thinking his name in my head. But I can picture his face, and he is smiling. And as I am letting myself feel here, I can almost feel his arms around me (curiously enough, FROM BEHIND) and I almost feel like leaning against those "imaginary arms". And I am smiling!
*When I think of Maret Turner Buckley Williams McClure…..isn’t it funny that she has been married all those times, and it means nothing to her?! OK Amy Sue – we ARE getting somewhere! I get that behavior from her! Feeling as if people are not as important unless they are fulfilling a need. When I say Maret’s name in my head (Mom) all I can picture is a grey sweatshirt that used to wear almost everyday, and her sharp cheekbones and pointed nose. But almost as if they are in a mist, and never her whole entire face – she’s more like an idea to me. But that goddamned grey sweatshirt! I would take that sweatshirt and wring it, and smoosh it up into a little ball, and TWIST THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF IT!
*Things I like about Maret…..can’t think of anything right now. OH WELL! Tough shit.
*Things I like about Kevin…..1. the feel of his arms 2. always gives me what I want or desire IF HE CAN 3. never acts embarrassed around or about me 4. always TRIES to support me 5. has strong morals & values (that’s one of the reasons that I wanted to marry him, because he was different from everybody else in my life.) 6. is a good + sensitive person 7. love’s me no MATTER what I do.
*Things I hate about Kevin…..
*Things I hate about Maret…..1. her way of life. she has lowered herself to extremely LOW levels and she just "ekes" by in life 2. her need to control everything and everyone in or around her life 3. how if you don’t "do" for her, you’re no good in her eyes RE:if you (or I) say "no" – you (or I) must not love her because you aren’t granting her wishes 4. how she will tell anyone "stories" to get their pity.
(The sad part about all of this is that I see alot of these same qualities in myself. Maybe I have a little "self" hatred for having some of the qualities that I most despise in my mother.)
Strangely enough even after discovering all of these things, I’m not mad at Mom, I just feel like I was a balloon that has been deflated. All the wind has gone out of my sails. I don’t feel depressed or anything – just tired. Extremely tired.
Kevin and I went to Service Merchandise and I picked out the ring set. The one I picked out first Kevin disliked, but he liked the 2nd one I picked out, and the clerk said the 2nd one looked better on me – but I’m not sure. Actually I do like it. MAYBE NOTHING WILL EVER MAKE ME AS HAPPY AS I THINK I SHOULD BE! The ring was really pretty, and it looked really nice on my finger. So LIKE it Amy! The ones I picked out and put on layaway are small + dainty, and look really good on me. The ones I picked out first were square and "chunky" and looked like everybody elses! The ones I am getting on December 24th are like none I’ve ever seen before – and they are very pretty.
Kevin + I are going to see Beth together tomorrow – silly as it may sound, I don’t like sharing Beth with Kevin! I really think that after tomorrow Kevin won’t need to come to anymore sessions because the problems are basically mine.
I’m not wearing the wedding ring set until my anniversary – because that’s the reason we got it. Hopefully Kevin will say something nice and heartfelt when he puts it on my finger. and Kevin said maybe after we have married for 5-10 years he would get me a really good diamond.
Always something better.
Always.