December 12, 1993

December 12, 1993

7:14 pm

Feeling a little better about Kevin + our marriage.

I went for a ride yesterday, and wound up staying until Midnight! (At Leanne + Steve’s house.) Kevin called just as I was on my way out the door, and asked me if I wanted him to take Aaron and go sleep at his father’s house. I came home, and held Aaron, and Kevin + I tried to talk but didn’t get anywhere – so I went to bed and closed the door. Kevin had written me a really nasty letter about how I was shirking MY responsibilites and I was ungrateful, and how could I leave a husband + son that I "proclaimed" to love?! I told him that I didn’t intend to leave Aaron, and I refused to talk about it anymore. Kevin said that he’d never let me take Aaron away from him "I can’t let you do that Hon." he said. I took Aaron into the bedroom with me, and held him, and told him that I would never let anyone take my baby from me. In my mind I had Kevin threatening my relationship with my son! But if it ever came to Kevin + I going to court and fighting for Aaron, all he would have to say was that I was once hospitalized for Depression, and if they read over my "records" I would be judged mentally UNSTABLE. Then I felt trapped because I felt I had to stay with Kevin to keep my son! So I was fighting the feelings anymore even more. Later Kevin came in and said he didn’t want me feeling that way because he would never take Aaron away from me. I cried and got sick, and "ranted" said I was angry and wanted to hate somebody. BUT WHO? Through all that turmoil I was going through, my thoughts still PERSEVERED about that ring + renewing our vows. VOWS. Kevin said he would like to renew our vows, if it really means that much to me, and we’re gonna take Beth’s suggestion and write our vows ourselves (sort of an unceremonial thing.) And Kevin said that if it would make me happy then we could get the ring set. YES!!!!! (Then what do I do with my original wedding band?) I keep thinking if Kevin + I can renew our vows then EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. Will it ever be okay? Ever!

I love Kevin Michael Duren. Do you think if I tell myself that enough I’ll believe it? I know I love him, and I guess the reason that I am acting this way, is because I am CONFUSED – Big time – and Kevin is safe to get mad and take things out on, because I know he won’t go anywhere. I’ve sometimes purposely egged him on and tried to get him violent enough to HIT me, or yell at me. BAD. But still he stays. I wrote a poem to Kevin before we were married, about how I was feeling. It’s in the column next.

*poem*

To my wonderful:

"On Our Wedding Day"

ON THIS DAY:

I give you my love

I give you my heart

and I give you my trust.

I give you my soul

I give you my laughter

and I give you my everything.

FROM THIS DAY:

I’ll love you forever

I’ll give you my shoulder

and I’ll smile upon you.

I’ll always support you

I’ll always be behind you

and I’ll always listen.

I’ll always make time

I’ll always understand

and I’ll always care.

Your Loving.

You tell me that that poem could have been written from the heart of somebody who really didn’t care! Ooh, I could be my own therapist! I’ve been writing alot today. The poem was good, but I still feel a knot in my chest.