December 10, 1993

December 10, 1993

11:25 pm

I have a super idea for what to get Kevin for our first anniversary. It’s something that doesn’t really cost much, but it will mean a REAL lot to my husband. I’m gonna have to trust that he will respect my privacy + not read my journal, or the surprise would be ruined. I want to renew our wedding vows on our first anniversary. Yes? What would it mean to me? "A fresh start"? Maybe. "A clean slate"? Maybe. It’s almost like my attempt to prove to Kevin that our marriage really does mean something to me, and it can be my way of trying to "erase" all my bad thoughts and feelings. OK, honesty time, I didn’t even consider this idea until I began thinking of bridal-sets and knowing I couldn’t get rid of my wedding ring, because it’s the one Kevin put on my finger, so if we renewed our vows I could get a new ring (selfish bitch, ain’t I?) What to do with this information Beth? Because now I probably won’t stop until I GET MY WAY. So? Three questions here:

1. Can I not do anything about this until I talk to Beth and she tells me why am I doing this, and help me figure out how to stop myself?

2. Can I keep my mouth shut and not reveal it to Kevin?

AND

3. What is my point? Is marriage really all that important to me that all it means is rings? And my symbolization of marriage can be so easily replaced in my mind?

NO PLANS. NO PLANS. NO PLANS.

Shit, I’m gonna have our anniversary ALL planned in my head, probably mention it to one or two people at Reny’s to get their reaction, look at rings (and try to find a way to scrounge enough money for one – of course telling myself that I deserve it.) Drop little hints so Kevin can figure it out – AND TOTALLY JUSTIFY THE WHOLE DAMN THING IN MY MIND. I’ll make the idea so great in my head that I’ll HAVE to do it, and nothing will make me happy until I get my way!!! Ah shit Beth, this is gonna take forever, I really am messed up. ALL AROUND.